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February 13, 2008

Percival H. Lintmuffin – Patrick Chan

Filed under: Percival H. Lintmufin - Patrick Chan — barondestructo @ 3:46 am
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July 8, 2007

I received an email from a Mr. Patrick Chan offering me a SWEET business proposal that involves my helping him withdraw $24 million from the bank account of a long-dead Iraqi General. I responded:

“ Dear Patrick,

Thank you for the offer but I don’t really need the money. My wife passed away last month following a freak parakeet accident and I am now independently wealthy. Had you emailed me with a business proposal that would have required my financial involvement, then that would have been something which would have surely interested me because, I’m embarrassed to say, I am presently sitting on more cash than I can spend in my lifetime. I say this with certainty because I have been diagnosed with ARA (Advanced Reverse Alopecia), a condition that causes my hair to grow inside my scalp and into my brain. The condition is theoretically unpleasant-sounding yet practically quite pleasant indeed, simultaneously illuminating AND itchy in instances where I’ve studied advanced calculus, string theory, and that second season of Twin Peaks. The scene in which David Lynch’s son appears in a vision cupping a handful of creamed corn almost killed me, inciting what the doctors referred to as split ends aneurism.

So, which was your favorite scene from the show’s second season? Please write back and let me know. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the subject.

Sincerely,

Percival H. Lintmuffin

P.S. It was the one with the giant, wasn’t it? Yeah, I thought so.”

July 9, 2007

I am touched beyond words. Lately, I’ve been losing prospective pen pals at an alarming rate, responding once to their business proposals and then never hearing from them again. So imagine my surprise and delight when I checked my yahoo inbox and discovered a response to my response to Patrick Chan. Patrick wrote back:

“…I would like to be sure of your willingness, trustworthiness
and committment to execute this transaction with me,I cannot afford to
compromise these virtues considering the money involved,it is necessary
for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction,
my trust is not given out lightly. What I expect from you is trust and commitment…”

What a sweetheart. Today, I wrote him back:

“Dear Pat,

I don’t know what to say. I am also looking for that certain someone, that special person with whom to form a lasting relationship built on trust and commitment. And, like you, I refuse to compromise my virtues, or my Cthulhu faith. I am thrilled at the prospect of taking our burgeoning relationship to the next step. To that end, here is a little more about me. I enjoy moonlit nights, walks on the beach, and kabuki productions of Gilbert and Sullivan. My dislikes include dishonest people, fennel seeds, and Jim Lampley. If last week, someone had asked me “What kind of tree are you?”, I would have answered “A weeping willow” but today, heartened by your response to my email, I would answer “A GLADiola.” Although, now that I think about it, a gladiola is really a plant and not a tree so if you were to going to be a stickler, I suppose I’d have to go with elm which isn’t as clever but is a noble tree nevertheless. Still, one could argue that a tree is, in fact, a woody plant, so my first answer could still be acceptable. What do you think? What kind of tree would you be? (And you can’t pick gladiola or elm, you cheeky thing).

Looking forward to hearing from you soon and…?


Yours in the spirit of The Great Old Ones,
The Great, Dead and Dreaded Kulhu

Percival H. Lintmuffin”

July 10, 2007

The sad thing about trying to correspond with scammers is that you rarely hear back from them after the initial missive. More often than not, they just give up and try their luck elsewhere which makes for a depressingly empty junk folder. But there are exceptions to the rule.  I was thrilled to discover an email awaiting me from Patrick Chan this morning. Patrick wrote:

“Dear friend,

Thank you for your response, just to prove my integrity; I have attached to this mail a copy of the certificate of deposit that was issued to the late General on the day he deposited the funds in my bank. I will at this very point want you to confirm your seriousness and willingness to follow up with this project along with the requested information.

Regards,

Patrick Chan.”

Alas, I didn’t open the attachment, but I did respond:

“DEAR FRIEND sounds so constrained. Loosen up. I think we’ve moved past formalities. How about I call you Patty Cakes and you call me Fancypants (as my various trousers are nothing if not fancy). Great.

Well Patty Cakes, thanks for the certificate. I’ve had it framed and it now adorns my bedroom wall right between auntie Lucretia’s macramé owl and my autographed poster of Erik Estrada. You’ll be happy to hear that your little memento will be the first thing I see when I open my eyes every morning (provided I am not staring straight up, lying on my back, or facing the window). I would like to send a little something your way as well and I was thinking either one-bite brownies or my high school certificate of merit for missing the least number of sick days. Do you have a preference? Let me know.

Also, I noticed you didn’t answer my tree question (If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?). I think we can both agree that if we are going to take this relationship to the next level, we need to get to know each other and that means opening up, so, I would really appreciate an answer to my tree question.

In the meantime, here are a few more interesting things you might like to know about me:

I am a long-time yoga enthusiast and so, despite the fact that I am in my late sixties and weigh in excess of 300lbs, I am extremely pliant (if you know what I mean…wink, wink).

I am violently allergic to banana skins and, as a result, must have the fruit peeled for me.

Three years ago, I had a near-death experience after choking on a piece of whitefish. I found myself on a giant skating rink where I was reunited with my deceased uncle Rolf, H.R. Pufnstuf, and the late Otto Von Bismarck. I asked after my father but uncle Rolf told me that he couldn’t be bothered to make the long trip (which, incidentally, was typical of my dad so I knew he was telling the truth). Then, as I was about to strap on the skates Otto had brought me, I found myself back in the dining hall at Scurvy Pete’s Seafood Emporium. My doctor insists I imagined the whole thing but, just between you and me, of course he would say that. Doctors don’t want you to know how pleasant the afterlife really is because, if you did, no one would bother with their services anymore. It’s all part of a larger conspiracy involving the world bank, UFO’s, and that guy who played Mr. Belvedere which I’d be happy to tell you about in GREAT DETAIL in my next email.

My collection of wood ear mushrooms shaped like the state of Wisconsin is second to none.

Counting the hours until you write back –

Yours in the spirit of The Great Old Ones,
All Hail Shib-Niggurath,

Percival H. Lintmuffin”

August 10, 2007

It’s nice to see that some of the email scammers who have contacted me with promises of untold fortunes have proven delightfully determined in their attempts to acquire my personal information. No amount of ridiculous responses on my part would seem to discourage the likes of James Williams (who continues to exhort my alter ego, Cookie Monster, to send him the sum o $480 dollars) or Patrick Chan who is apparently still waiting for a copy of my passport and driver’s license. Today, I wrote Patrick back –

“Dear Patty Cakes,

Good news, buddy! I put together all of the information you requested – copies of my passport and driver’s license, and even included all of my banking information just in case. Now, all that remains is for you to come by and pick it up. As you probably know, Humberton County is holding its annual Mid-Summer Folklore, Renaissance, Civil War Re-enactment and Goat Gelding Festival in a couple of weeks and I don’t need to tell you that it is the premiere third largest Mid-Summer Folklore, Renaissance, Civil War Re-enactment and Goat Gelding event in the south-central Midwest and truly worth the trip. Were you planning on attending? I myself have been going since I was a youngster and, believe it or not, I can still squeeze into the same forest green minstrel’s outfit I used to wear when I was 14 – and 200 pounds lighter! – although consistent use has frayed my tights to the point where they leave very little to the imagination whenever my man skirt rides up on me. It would be great if you could come up as it would give us the chance to meet. It would also give you the opportunity to audition for a spot in our hot new Medieval-Renaissance band, Plague of Petrarchs. I’m sorry to say that all of the cool instruments (lute, sacbut, and hirtenschalmei) have already been taken.  However, we’re always looking for someone who can play a mean bladder pipe or crumhorn. If neither are your cup of tea, no worries. Any experience with the psaltery, zink, or hurdy-gurdy would be fine.

So let me know when you’ll be getting in. Will you need somewhere to stay? The festival usually sets up tented accommodations for the event and this may be something to consider as organizers take great pains to approximate a true 14th century experience. The price of your stay includes anywhere from zero to one square meal a day, access to the communal open-air toilet at the heart of the encampment (conveniently located right beside the outdoor kitchen), and complimentary fair warnings up to five minutes prior to any peasant uprisings and/or rat infestation.

Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Yours in the spirit of the Dread Ktulu,

Percival H. Lintmuffin

September 15, 2007

The nerve of some people. After extending an invitation to email scammer Patrick Chan to join me (Percival H. Lintmuffin) at the Mid-Summer Folklore, Renaissance, Civil War Re-enactment and Goat Gelding Festival, I received no response. The festival came and went. Then, the other day, I received an email from Patrick wondering why I hadn’t forwarded him the documents he had requested. Today, Percy Lintmuffin responded:

“Well now, who’s the Nervy Mervy? Contacting me so soon after blowing off my invitation to the Mid-Summer Folklore, Renaissance, Civil War Re-enactment and Goat Gelding Festival without so much as an “Verily! Methinks I mayest not keep my appointment. Eth.”

Hmmm. I believe a certain someone owes me an apology before I’ll provide them with those signed documents he’s requested.

Yours in the spirit of The Great Old Ones,
All Hail Shib-Niggurath,

Percival H. Lintmuffin”

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