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February 13, 2008

Merton Castrati – David Kojo

Filed under: Merton Castrati - David Kojo — barondestructo @ 3:53 am
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July 10, 2007

I had to actually scour my alternate email’s junk folder to dig up this other potential pen pal who wrote:

“DEAR FRIEND, I KNOW THIS WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME. I AM MR. DAVID KOJO, I WORK IN THE CENTRAL BANK OF GHANA…”

To which I responded:

“Of course I know you! David Kojo! It’s me, Merton Castrati. I used to sit behind you in Mrs. Haversham’s Geology class! Despite being such a loser dink in high school, you’ve obviously done very well for yourself. Last I’d heard you’d settled down with Imogene Carruthers and were raising llamas in Tupalu. What happened?

Your former classmate,

M.C.”

July 11, 2007

Heard back from my old high school buddy David Kojo who, perhaps assuming I had confused him with someone else, writes:

“How are you today? I am in receipt of your mail.

I will also like to introduce myself once more to you. I am a staff in charge of courier department in our Apex bank in Ghana…”

And proceeds to pitch me the same scam. I replied:

“It’s great to see you’ve done so well for yourself. Back in high school, you were never the sharpest knife in the drawer and I know that most of the teachers had written you off as a lost cause. What was it Principal Epstein used to call you? Dodo Kojo, dumb as dirt? Remember that year you failed gym class because you couldn’t understand the rules of soccer? You kept picking the ball up with your hands and throwing it into your own goal. Wasn’t that the same year the school started making you wear that helmet so that you wouldn’t hurt yourself? Are you still wearing the helmet? As a bike courier for your bank, I’m sure you must be.

Well, it’s great catching up and, again, I’m happy to hear you’re doing all right and especially surprised you’re able to string two sentences together. Not so bad for a former idiot. By the way, where is Ghana? Is it close to France?

Your former classmate,

M.C.”

September 11, 2007

Received an email out of the blue from David Kojo who apologizes for not getting back to me sooner:

“Sir, Why I have not contacted you is because, I was told that the package have been confisticated by the British Government, since then I have been doing all I can to make sure that I claim the fund in the package…”

Ah, Kojo, Kojo, Kojo. You poor inept yet lovable idiot. I wrote back:

““Hey Kojo,

Back in high school, you could barely spell your last name so I’m not all that surprised you’re having trouble using the postal service. After all, to master the fine art of mailing, you need an I.Q. somewhere between Spanish onion and pony. Seriously. Who ties your shoelaces in the morning?

Sincerely,

Merton Castrati”

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