Spambait

February 13, 2008

Melvin’s Kidnappers – Miscellaneous

Filed under: Melvin's Kidnappers - Miscellaneous — barondestructo @ 4:56 am
Tags: ,

September 2, 2007

I received an unexpected email from a Mrs. Jasna Fernando with Lotteria Shop National 2007. Apparently, Melvin’s kidnappers have won 150 000 Euros! Sadly, they were not in to receive the good news. The following response found its way back to Mrs. Fernando:

“ Automated Out of Office Reply:

The kidnappers you seek will be out of the office from August 27th to September 14th.

If this is an urgent matter, please phone our head office and leave a message in the mailbox dedicated to the appropriate kidnap victim.

For Lady Dorina Hightower, Press #1

For the Hornfinger twins, Press #2

For Melvin Quibble, Press #3

For the San Bonadito Ladies Choir Featuring Hazel Dumply, Press #4

For Count Ludovico Amaretto, Press #5

For Mrs. Wenley’s Fifth Grade Class Mascot, Sid the Hamster, Press #6

For other miscellaneous queries or matters related to more recent kidnap victims not reflected in the listings, Press #7.

Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

The Kidnappers :)”

September 5, 2007

My Melvin kidnappers@yahoo.com account has received an impressive amount of scam mail of late. Alas, the kidnappers are on vacation, but their automated out of office reply system was hard at work fielding queries:

“Automated Out of Office Reply:

The kidnappers you seek will be out of the office from August 27th to September 14th. In the meantime, please feel free to make use of our automated response system. The heading of your email –

SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENCEþ

– indicates you are inquiring about the following kidnap victim:

Count Ludovico Amaretto

A native of Naples, Italy, Count Ludovico Amaretto is heir to the vast Amaretto Packing Peanut Empire. In addition to being an accomplished badminton player (ranked #215 in Men’s Single), the Count is a master of the longbow and a student of both the French horn and tambourine. His main residence is the Castle Amaretto on Lake Como which he has occupied since 1983 along with his eccentric supercentenarian aunt Rosa, his halfwit cousin Nunzio, and his faithful Alsatian wolfhound Einhandsegeln.

Date of kidnapping: March 15, 2006.

Ransom demanded: $12 million euros.

Status: Unfortunately, Count Amaretto’s remaining relatives are either too senile, mad, or slow-witted to effectively negotiate his release. Our last contact with them was on January 17, 2007 when we offered to lower the ransom demand from $15 million euros to $12. Family members requested time to consider the proposal before getting back to us. They have not been heard from since. It is assumed they simply forgot. Subsequent attempts to reach them to continue negotiations have proven fruitless as the woman answering the estate phone only speaks Italian, a language we do not understand.

If this is the correct kidnap victim, please leave us a detailed message including your name, your counter-offer (if applicable), and an email or phone number where you can be reached. Thank you,The Kidnappers :)”

September 8, 2007

Another email to my melvinskidnappers@yahoo.com account and another automated out-of-office response:

“The kidnappers you seek will be out of the office from August 27th to September 14th. In the meantime, please feel free to make use of our automated response system. The heading of your email –

Congratulations… Lucky__Winner

– indicates you are inquiring about the following kidnap victim:

The San Bonadito Ladies Choir Featuring Hazel Dumply

Best known for their hip hop version of What A Friend We Have in Jesus, the San Bonadito Ladies Choir featuring Hazel Dumply has been entertaining fellow county parishioners for almost half a decade. Despite the fact that the median age of the choir members is a hoary 85, SBLCfHD maintains a busy tour schedule, singing for everyone from city aldermen to critical care patients who have little choice in the matter. Their contemporary spins on respected classics, annoyingly upbeat performances, and propensity to break into song at the slightest provocation has won them the antipathy of many a friend and neighbor.

Date of kidnapping: May 27, 2007.

Ransom demanded: No reasonable offer will be refused.

Status: Originally $250 000 was demanded for the safe return of all twelve choir members including Ms. Dumply but, following a surprisingly disinterested response from family and fellow parishioners, that number was dropped to $100 000. Then $30 000. Then $12 000. Then $1200. For Godsakes, at least let us break even on the cost of feeding them these past four months!

If this is the correct kidnap victim, please leave us a detailed message including your name, your counter-offer (if applicable), and an email or phone number where you can be reached. Thank you,Mr. Kidnapper 🙂

September 11, 2007

To one of the many scammers who sent a winning notification to my melvinskidnappers account:

“Automated Out of Office Reply:

The kidnappers you seek will be out of the office from August 27th to September 14th. In the meantime, please feel free to make use of our automated response system. The heading of your email –

Congratulations… Lucky__Winner

– indicates you are inquiring about the following kidnap victim:

Melvin Quibble

In his heyday, retired ad man Melvin Quibble was responsible for such memorable commercials as Suckeo Vacuum’s Harriet the Henpecking Housewife, Sugar-Frosted Sugar Cubes Cereal, and the Only Sissy Kids Don’t Eat Pork campaign. He was a resident of Florida’s Heaven’s Waiting Room Retirement Community, where he lived with his Margaret of 40 years, before his sudden disappearance twelve years ago.

Date of kidnapping: November 8, 1994.

Ransom demanded: Negotiable.

Status: Accidentally abducted in a case of mistaken identity, Melvin Quibble elected to remain with his kidnappers rather than be returned to his wife Margaret. Although his cooking and bookkeeping skills have proven invaluable over the years, his increasingly tangential musings have given us pause of late. A very pleasant fellow who makes a wonderful Chicken Kiev, but it’s time for the old timer to go.

If this is the correct kidnap victim, please leave us a detailed message including your name, your counter-offer (if applicable), and an email or phone number where you can be reached. Thank you,The Kidnappers :)”

November 15, 2007

Of all of my alternate yahoo accounts, AgentWexler@yahoo.com is the one that gets the least amount of activity, virtually ignored by spammers who, for reasons known only to them, have chosen not to solicit a presumed FBI agent in their scamly endeavors. My Melvinskidnappers@yahoo.com account, on the other hand, is seeing the heaviest traffic of all, averaging a good 10-20 “business proposals” a day. Why a group of kidnappers is considered a better mark than, say, a nefarious super villain (BaronDestructo@yahoo.com), an angling philanthropist (Hazzencockle@yahoo.com), a loquacious shut-in in desperate need of companionship (Lintmuffin@yahoo.com), a humorless senior (MargaretQuibble@yahoo.com), or a denizen of one of America’s best-loved neighborhoods (Coooooookiemonster@yahoo.com) is beyond me, but given the number of emails piling up, I thought it would be a good idea to respond to them en masse and clear my inbox. Today, all received the following:

“Thank you for your interest in obtaining our services with regard to the business proposal outlined in your latest email. We would love to enter into partnership with you but, to do so, we require a little information –

Your Name:

Your Location:

Your Net Worth:

The Best Time For You To Be Kidnapped:

Suggested Ransom Expected:

And Finally – “What makes you someone we would want to kidnap?” (in 250 words or less):

Rest assured that this information will not be shared with any third party interests such as big box stores, financial institutions, religious organizations, or needy relatives and is for the exclusive use of Melvinskdinappers, their underworld associates, a handful of internet dating services, and Runners World Magazine. Should you prove a viable candidate, you will be informed of our decision enroute to our hideout (although the blackjack to the head will probably be a dead giveaway).

Finally, please understand that as much as we would love to kidnap you all, time and limited resources necessitate our putting you through this rather rigorous selection process. If you do not hear back from us within the month, assume that we have decided to pass on your application and moved on. But do not be discouraged as our timetable and needs are ever-shifting and today’s too-lame-to-bother-with hopeful is tomorrow’s promising bruised and earless candidate.

Sincerely,

Mr. Kidnapper :)”

Advertisements

Blog at WordPress.com.