February 13, 2008

Helena Krumpett-Fullbottom – Shalom Global Security

August 12, 2007

Today, I received an email from a Mr. Usman John directing me to contact (email and phone number provided) The Shalom Global Security Company to facilitate the transfer of 1.2 million dollars owed me for reasons unspecified. All I need do is send them a check for $95 and the money would be mine. Instead, I sent them the following email –

“To Whom It May Concern

I was contacted by a Mr. Usman John to pay you the sum of $95 in order to free up a bank draft of 1.2 million dollars, but when I phoned the office number provided in the email, I was told that Shalom Global Security had misplaced the money and had awarded me a full set of Encyclopedia Brittanica minus entries C, F, and Q-V instead. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am, especially since said encyclopedias are the 1957 Hungarian editions!

What gives?

Angrily yours,

Helena Krumpett-Fullbottom

 August 14, 2007

A panicked response from Shalom Global Security to my letter of outrage. They insist there has been some sort of misunderstanding, the 1.2 million is still awaiting me, and I should call them at the number provided. I wrote back:

“To Whom It May Concern,

After receiving instructions to contact your offices to arrange payment of a $95 service fee, I phoned and was informed that the 1.2 million dollars promised me in a recent email had been misplaced. Instead of the cash, I was gifted an incomplete set of outdated foreign encyclopedias. I voiced my displeasure in an email sent to your office yesterday and received a response suggesting I contact you immediately. Well, I phoned the number provided and , after explaining my situation to the receptionist, I was placed on hold for exactly fourteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds before being transferred to a Daria Pizzeria that, through a series of frustrating misunderstandings too complicated to go into, charged my credit card for two orders of zany bread and a foot long pizza sub I never received. This all comes at a very difficult time for me as I spent the previous night in the emergency ward with my father who was the victim of a cruel practical joke when someone at his senior’s residence placed a meerkat in his trousers. The police are of course investigating the incident but the fact that my father left his pants unattended during the church service makes their job all the more difficult.

Regardless, I would like to have this matter of my $1.2 million dollars and your $95 dollars settled before my birding association leaves for its South American excursion later this week. I am greatly looking forward to it as this year’s expedition, being led by none other than Lord Hembley Limpdoole (of the Canterbury Limpdoodles), hopes to sight a Spitoon-Necked Pochard, a Scramble-Eyed Coot, a Prickle-Woodied Finch, and the rare Squim-Felching Egret that, as you no doubt know, is the only carnivorous Ciconiiforme to not only steal a fellow bird’s nest but sub-let it during the high season.

Please get back to me so that this matter can be immediately resolved.

Furiously yours,

Helena Krumpett-Fullbottom”


Blog at