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February 13, 2008

Cookie Monster – James Wiliams

Filed under: Cookie Monster - James Wiliams — barondestructo @ 4:05 am
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July 14, 2007

My yahoo account used to get inundated with spam promising everything from lottery winnings to big money business proposals. I would receive almost thirty a day. But ever since I actually started responding to them, their numbers have dwindled. Now, I’m lucky if I get one. So imagine my delight when I woke up this morning and discovered a brand new email sitting in my junk folder. It went:

“This to acknowledge you that your lost funds have been approved from The Federal High Court of Nigeria and I whose told to contact you by The Nigeria president on how to realize your ($3.5million) united state Dollars by the diplomatic courier…”

Etc. Lately, my attempts to foster some sort of dialogue with these mysterious goodwill ambassadors have proven futile. Why? Was I too over-the-top in my replies? Maybe. Fearful of scaring off a new potential pen pal, I sent back a comparatively restrained response:

“Hello dere. Ohboyohboyohboy. Me so happy. 3.5 million dollars buy lots of coookies. Me ready to receive money, but first, me have questions for you. How 3.5 million is put in Cookie Monster account? Lawyer dat us use has name Grover. You give 3.5 million to Grover, den me wait for Grover to give to me. Is good idea? Or maybe you come to Cookie Monster home and make personal delivery. If yes, den me tell you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. Is not hard but little long and complicated. Way dere littered with bones of small children. But you no worry. Cookie Monster has your back.

Hoping dis very delicious transaction.

Sincerely,

Cookie Monster”

I sent it off and went on with my morning activities. Then, around lunch, I checked my email and lo and behold, the guy had written me, I mean Cookie Monster, back. Barrister James Williams exhorts me to send him $480 so that he can complete the paperwork that will free up my cash. And lest I doubt him, he helpfully includes a picture of himself – looking all business in a suit and tie, natch. Thrilled, I wrote back:

“Hello dere. Me tank you for writing back. And tank you for sending picture. James Williams very handsome man. James Williams is model? If not, could be, could be. Me ask lawyer Grover for $480 but he say no, dat me already spend all my money on coookies. I say $3.5 million buy lots more coookies and us use Grover money instead but he say no. I say have pity on monster. But he still say no. Not very delicious answer. Me don‘t tink dat fair but don‘t say me didn‘t try.

Now what to do? Dat de question. Maybe ask Ernie and Bert? Maybe Oscar the Grouch but he always suspicious of scam. Long time ago, Old Mr. Hooper run Ponzi scheme out of corner store and burn Oscar, so Oscar put cap in Mr. Hooper ass. Oscar be flush but dangerous. What you tink us should do?

Sincerely,

Cookie Monster”

Flashforward several hours and I receive the following:

“ How are you? I got your mail and is well noted, but first I want you to know that your fund is ready, but what is delaying the fund as for now is the delivery fee by the diplomatic courier, so I will want you to get back to me on when you are going to make the payment …“

Delightful. I replied:

“Cookie Monster sad. Oscar a no-go. Bert and Ernie just get floors re-done (beautiful hardwood, me like) so have no money. I tink maybe Big Bird but he unreliable. So what a Cookie Monster to do? Maybe we make deal instead. You pay fee and I get you date with Miss Piggy. Grover tap dat. He say she easy, but me can make no promises. Great opportunity for James Williams. First class super sensational. You no can miss dis.

Sincerely,

Cookie Monster”

July 18, 2007

Yesterday, I received a follow-up email from James Williams himself: “How are you? Can i know what is goin on that you have not respond back to my mail your urgent replay is needed to my mail with out any kind of delay okay.”

I sent off my response:

“James Williams not respond to Cookie Monster first! You remember deal? James Williams pay $480 and he get date with Miss Piggy? She like meaty boys and James Williams built like giant ham hock with legs. Is perfect for Miss Piggy. But maybe Miss Piggy not perfect for James Williams. Maybe James Williams no like shakin’ bacon?

Is okay because Cookie Monster get $480 from old friend Kermit. He t.v. star. Had own show for long time is Muppet Show. When Kermit first start, said to everyone on Sesame Street: “Hey, me make show. Who want to be in?” Everybody say no tanks. So Kermit have brilliant idea. What make audience laugh hardest? Dat right. Drug addik and crazy people. So Kermit visit all skeevy alleys around Sesame Street and “cast” F-up muppets: Animal (heroin), Swedish chef (preskription drug), Gonzo (delusional), Crazy Harry (psykotik), cranky old men (Alzeyemer), Beaker (crystal meth). Yes, dey F-up – but still hilarious! Muppet Show become big hit. Cookie Monster no can believe. Big drunk Fozzie Bear once share garbage can with Oscar now have mansion in Malibu! Kermit own Bentley even though little green legs no can reach pedals!

Anyhoo, Cookie Monster send money soon.”

But hours later, I received a not-so-official-looking email from The Federal Bureau of Investigation. It informed me that the FBI’s “intelligency network” had “screemed through monitoring” and assures me that “the transaction you have with Federal High Court of Nigeria, is noting but legal”, advising me to go ahead and deal with Barrister James Williams. In closing: “And we will want you to netified him very well because of the scamer peopel in there country so we are direction you now to contacte him only truht his cantact…” Hmmm. The email made a lot of sense. Well, the parts that made sense anyway. Could I have been wrong about James Williams? Cookie Monster wrote him back:

“Cookie Monster have $480 and about to send to James Williams. But den receive email from FBI – Federal Bureau of Investigation. Not Investigation with “S” but Investigation. Only one investigation? Maybe not so busy? FBI email say okay to trust James Williams, but it have more spelling mistake den Snuffleupagus letter to parole board.

Me not stupid monster. Me tink James Williams very suspicious. Very handsome, but very suspicious. Maybe James Williams shakin’ Cookie Monster bacon! Is true?”

Cookie Monster anxiously awaits his response.

August 8, 2007

I received an email from the President of Nigeria (!) the other day, assuring me that my latest correspondence from scammer/barrister James Williams is, in fact, legit and that I should send him the sum of $480 to facilitate the transfer of $3.5 million to my account. Sweet! Cookie Monster couldn’t be happier! He wrote back:

“Cookie Monster very embarrassed. Receive personal letter from President of Nigeria who vouch for James Williams! First F.B.I., den President of Nigeria say James Williams A-okay. How can not be true?!

So Cookie Monster have $480 and ready to pay up. Me can come to James Williams house and drop off cash. Maybe stay for grill cheese sandwich and Oprah. James Williams like Oprah? Cookie Monster big fan. Enjoy book club picks expecially House of Sand and de Fog dat make Cookie Monster cry so hard he vomit and den fur smell like cheap carpet and muscatel for rest of week. James Williams knows book? If no den me lend you copy. Also smell like cheap carpet and muscatel but still good to read. Hey, maybe we start own book club. Is good tinking? Ask Bert and Ernie to join but not Grover because he very particular and only read letters to Penthouse and plays by Noel Coward.

Sincerely,

Cookie Monster”

August 14, 2007

Another email from James Williams asking me to send him my personal information and, oh yeah, $480.

“Okay, Cookie Monster very confused. Go to James Williams house (Grover find by running back-search on IP address from email) and knock on door but nobody answer. Yell “Yoohoo! Is me! Cookie Monster!” But still nobody answer. Me tink maybe you not home and getting ready to scratch message on door when helpful man come by and say was friend of James Williams. Say he deliver cash to James Williams so I give him $480 dollars plus Elmo who need to pee. Cookie Monster wait but not get Elmo or receipt back. Elmo not big deal but Cookie Monster need receipt for tax purposes.

Sincerely,

Cookie Monster

P.S. Since hear rumor Elmo mining diamonds in Sierra Leone. So lucky. Me want to go somewhere hot for vacation too.”

August 15, 2007

Well, my inane correspondence has finally succeeded in raising the ire of one of my email scammers. My question: What took ’im so long? I received the following from one James Williams who has been trying to get me to cough up $480 for a good two months now:

“Attn:Cookie Monster,

how are you? i want you to know that this is my last word, i told you to make the delivery fee of your fund send via western nuion money transfer how many time have i told you that? make it send there and scan the payment slip for mew to view okay.”

Poor guy. Cookie Monster was quick to respond:

“Dear James Williams,

Hooboy! James Williams sound mad. Maybe trouble on home front wit little missus? James Williams have wife? From picture sent wit email, Cookie Monster guess no. James Williams look like free agent maja playa. Nice to see dat even though so-so face and body like Pillsbury doughboy, James Williams not lacking confidence. Remind me of Count (not true Count, really from Newark) who always trying to get laid. Opening line at bar = “I see ONE fine lady. TWO fine ladies. TREE fine ladies! But only ONE special enough to go home with me.” Bert and Ernie say he funny eccentric. Ladies tink he sad and creepy. But James Williams not sad and creepy. Well, not sad anyway. But give it time. You still young (ish).

So now Cookie Monster serious serious serious about payment. But problem. Cannot scan payment slip because Sesame Street scanner-printer confiscated when cops bust Snuffleupagus counterfeit ring. Maybe have dis instead =

TO: JAMES WILLIAMS

WHAT: MONEY

HOW MUCH: $480 dollars.

FOR: Been so long me forget.

LOVE: Cookie Monster”

August 17, 2007

Cookie Monster received the following from a frustrated-sounding James Williams:

“Attn:Cookie Monster,

how are you?what is the meaning of all this i can not even understand your language i told you simple instruction that you shold make the money send via western union money transfer with the above payment information okay.

SENDERS NAME:
RECIEVERS NAME:AIDU YUSUF
LOCATION:LAGOS- NIGERIA
CODE QUESTION:HOW ARE YOU?
CODE ANSWER:FINE
AMOUNT:$480.00USD
MTCN?……………….

And do get back to me with the information as soon as uou make the payment send or scan the payment slip for me to see it my self so i can be more sure okay thanks.”

Cookie Monster responded:

“Hey, James Williams still sound confuse and angry. Why? Maybe is because have friend like Grover who come over for dinner party and at end of night instead of walk two blocks back to own house, use Cookie Monster bathroom instead and stink place up? Smell so bad not even Oscar the Grouch stick around…and he live in garbage can! Why Grover no can wait until he at HIS home? Well, Cookie Monster tink Grover know EXACTLY what he doing. Grover very malicious shiter. VERY malicious.

Anyhoo, tanks for information. Me fill out properly now =

SENDERS NAME: COOKIE MONSTER
RECEIVERS NAME: AIDU YUSUF
LOCATION: LAGOS-NIGERIA
CODE QUESTION: HOW ARE YOU?
CODE ANSWER: NOT BAD EXCEPT HAVE TO STAY WITH BERT
AND ERNIE FOR THREE DAYS WHILE COOKIE
MONSTER HOUSE AIR OUT BECAUSE ADMIRAL
GROVER LAUNCH LETHAL PIZZA SUB.
AMOUNT: $480 USD
MTCN? I DON’T KNOW WHAT DIS MEAN. IS STAND FOR
MORTICIAN? IF YES, DEN ME STILL DON’T KNOW
WHAT DIS MEAN.

Love,

Cookie Monster”

And that, I assumed, was that. After all, the guy would have to be one masochistic idiot to continue contacting me. Well, guess what I found in my inbox a few hours later:

“Attn:Cookie Monster,
how are you?what is the meaning of all this game you are playing with me are you still intrested in goting your fund or not? and if realy you have make the payment send to the above information can you scan the payment slip giving to you by western nuion office to me now let me that that my self that is all okay.
THANKS”

Cookie Monster happily replied:

“Dear James Williams,

Uh oh. Problem. I look but dere no Western Union on Sesame Street. Only Eastern Union. It run by communists. Instead of send your money, take it and spend on social programs.

What monster to do?

Love,

Cookie Monster

P.S. Tank you for invitation to Games Night at house of James Williams. Is when? Cookie Monster love many games: old maid, crazy eights, hooze your daddy?, tickly cramps, and tender meatballs. Which ones James Williams enjoy?”

In a way, I kind of hope James Williams never gives up. I’m kind of loathe to retire Cookie Monster.

August 20, 2007

Well, I didn’t hear from my erstwhile email scammer, James Williams, all weekend, so I took it upon myself to try and prod a response out of him. Cookie Monster, sent him the following email –

“After not hear back from James Williams, have Games Night at Ernie and Bert’s house instead. Was very fun! Play Crazy Eights and Old Maid and Cookie Monster win at Tickly Cramps because he only one not throwed up. Play Tender Meatballs too but not fun when Grover play because official rules say only open hand slap but Grover use closed fist. DEN Cookie Monster throwed up, but me say “Hey, not fair! Grover cheat!” and Grover say no and use open hand but now too late because already tender meatballs. Everyone have good time and try to stay up late but first Telly pass out (tired), den Bert pass out (tender meatballs), den Big Bird fall down stairs (Jagermeister) and Ernie have to call ambulance, den police come and arrest Count for yelling and pants down. Anyway, was good time for everyone and sorry James Williams miss it.

Love,

Cookie Monster”

August 25, 2007

I’m sad to report I’ve received no word from my industrious scammer, James Williams. Hoping to prod a response, I had Cookie Monster, send off a quick, hopeful note:

“Hello dere,

Oh boy oh boy! Cookie Monster have good news for James Williams! Get another $480 dollars, this time from Oscar the Grouch. Oscar flush running Nigerian email scam. Contact idiots and offer dem millions of dollars, but first make dem cough up personal information and cash. Halarious! People so stupid dey send him free money! Ha ha ha!

So anyway, Cookie Monster send $480 dollars yesterday. No worry. Look up James Williams address in U.K. directory. Luckily is not very common name. So when James Williams get money, let Cookie Monster know. Cookie Monster not trust mail system. Last week receive package of crocodiles not remember ordering.

Love,

Cookie Monster”

September 15, 207

guess who’s back? Yup, James Williams checked in with Cookie Monster. Short and sweet, he wrote:

“Attn:Cookie Monster,
how are you?So were is the MTCN control number giving to you by western nuion, and more information about the money, if you have send the money”

Sadly, Cookie Monster had been feeling a little under the weather of late but managed to pull himself together enough to fire off the following missive:

“Dear James Williams,

Sorry no write back sooner but Cookie Monster very sick. Try out new frozen yogurt stand Bert and Ernie open up. Sign say “No Dairy” but not true because after Cookie Monster eat, he GET DAIRY! Have to run to toilet in Sesame Street public library and just make it (more or less). Hoo boy. Me do imitation of multistage rocket (solid AND liquid boosters) until librarian bang on door and say too noisy and scaring children so have to leave. Me protest. Dis be America! Cookie Monster have intestitutional rights!

Anyhoo, Cookie Monster lose dat argument, but not before get lawyer Grover involve and spend next two days in library bathroom staging “shit in“. Feel better now but underwear no more good. So mad. Next time me go to Bert and Ernie yogurt shop, for sure get different flavor instead.

So sorry for deelay but Cookie Monster FINALLY send money yesterday. James Williams receive yet?

P.S. Tank God Dominoes deliver to public toilet.”

September 23, 2007

I received the following email from my surprisingly persistent pen pal (and dedicated scammer) James Williams:

“Dear Cookie Monster,

Good day, how are you doing?why have you not respond back to my mail for the past 1week now, i want yu to know that this transaction is for real and is legistimate okay so just get back to me with your faithful mind and let continue this transaction, however if you are no more intrested you are free to get back to me and open up that you are no more intrested so i will stop wasting my time and efort as a lawyer okay.”

A bewildered Cookie Monster wrote back:

“But Cookie Monster already send money! Is possible dere be other James Williams in London? Hard to believe but just in case maybe you contact him and see if he get your money instead? Here is address:

James Williams
London

Also, good news! Me coming to visit! Dis year, me and Sesame Street friends take group vacation to England instead of local neighborhood pub. Hope is good idea. Last time try somewhere new, went camping and Big Bird shot by poachers. Oscar attacked by racoons. Bert get lost looking for toilet and den Ernie get lost looking for Bert looking for toilet and den Grover get lost IN toilet (go spelunking in outhouse and discover subterranean lair of mole men dat make him god [lucky!] but he cut himself and bleed and dey say he not god den so try to feed him to firepit monster [unlucky!] but he escape to surface [lucky!] but get poison oak [unlucky!] on eyeballs! [very unlucky!]). Count sleep too close to campfire, ignite Jagermeister breath and wake up everybody because face on fire (ever since, have to pencil in eyebrows). Den park ranger give ticket for littering and put real damper on outing.

Hope dis holiday be better. What your address?

Sincerely,

Cookie Monster

P.S. Oscar want to know is many racoons in England? Also Grover ask how about mole men?”

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