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February 13, 2008

Baron Destructo – Princess Rose

Filed under: Baron Destructo - Princess Rose — barondestructo @ 4:45 am
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November 27, 2007

Love is in the air! My BaronDestructo@yahoo.com account received an email from a Princess Rose (no kidding) promising me romance, devotion, and, oh yeah, 5 million dollars if I could help facilitate a little transaction. “I LIKE ANY PERSON WHO CAN BE CARING, LOVING AND HOME ORIENTED,”writes Princess Rose in all capitals to no doubt emphasize her earnestness. “I WILL LOVE TO HAVE A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU AND TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU. I WOULD LIKE TO BUILD UP A SOLID FOUNDATION WITH YOU IN TIME.” She goes on to explain that her father was “A KING, WHICH OUR TOWN CITIZENS TITLED HIM OVER SIXTEEN YEARS BEFORE HIS DEATH” and that she “WAS A PRINCESS TO HIM”. Furthermore, there is $25.5 million sitting in an Ougadougan bank account gathering dust and could I help her free up the funds in exchange for a cool 5 mill?

Baron Destructo wrote back:

“Dearest Princess Rose,

Your letter could not have found me at a better time as I am presently in the process of seeking out my soul mate, someone with whom I can share life’s high, its lows, and its inevitable little curveballs (like that time INTERPOL raided our offices in Amsterdam and we were forced to trigger the charges that collapsed the building and incinerated the records pertaining to Operation Santa Claws of Death). Could you be this person? The one who completes me? She who shares my love of world conquest, power unbridled, and Peanuts Holidays Specials? Before you answer “yes” there are some things I must know about you – and that you must know about me.

You write that your father was a King “which our town citizen titled him over sixteen years before his death”. All well and good but was he considered official nobility? Was his title registered with World Blue Bloods Inc.? The simple fact that the town’s citizens gave him the title does not necessarily make it so. While receiving my education in villainy alongside my fellow scoundrels, evil-doers, and miscreant mutants at the London School of Economics, I remember one chap the class would refer to as Duke Doofus. And yet even though we referred to him as such, he was not, in fact, a Duke (he was actually an Earl, and not a particularly notable one at that, but that is neither here nor there). Furthermore, you go on to write that you were “a princess to him”. But being a princess to your father does not necessarily make you one. I possess two hellhounds – one named Eviscerator who, yes, admittedly, is quite literally an eviscerator, but also one named Mooglypants who, it may surprise you to know, has never worn a pair of pants in his life. Do you see my point? While I applaud your efforts to strike out in a colorful vein, I must object to your unearned use of the title. That said, with $25.5 million in the bank, I’m sure you could find your way to purchasing a title. Perhaps a nice Countess or Viscountess or, if you feel like splurging, a Marchioness?

You also write that you “like any person who can be caring, loving and home oriented” which, quite frankly, makes you sound not all that choosy. If that’s all it takes to win your heart, then might I suggest you get a pet rabbit instead? If, on the other hand, you are seeking someone highly ambitious who refuses to be dissuaded by negativity, delays, or nuclear-tipped warheads, then I am your man. And you can be my (figuratively speaking) princess and share in what I have to offer: my robot chimp army, my satellite death ray, and my timeshare in Hawaii. Think of it, my dear. Just me, you, and your father’s $25.5 million dollars. And Eviscerator and Mooglypants. And the rest of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil who are like my extended family. And, oh yes, my extended family.

If this is something you’d like to pursue, let’s arrange a meeting. Perhaps a romantic dinner for two? Is this Friday night good for you? Since I’ll be away on intergalactic business, would it be possible to meet somewhere in between your place and my location? Say, Saturn? Let me know.

Diabolically yours,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

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