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February 13, 2008

Baron Destructo – Martin Holme

Filed under: Baron Destructo - Martin Holme — barondestructo @ 4:35 am
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August 20, 2007

And then there was the email from Martin Holme informing me that the IMF (for reasons not entirely clear) was awarding me $950 000. Well, I was quick to reply:

“Dear Mr. Holme,

Thank you for getting in touch with me regarding this matter. As acting representative of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil, I am pleased to inform you that the $950 000 in question will go to a very good cause – chiefly, our goal of total world domination by the year 2010. It need not be said that global conquest and the subjugation of the entire human race is a lofty ambition and one that we at the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil would be unable to attain were it not for the support of individuals and megacorps such as yourself. We take great pride in our ongoing efforts to foment divisiveness, paranoia and destruction as part of our greater aim to destabilize standing governments and erode confidence in existing symbols of authority such as the U.N., the IMF, and, of course, Captain Spectacular and his Confederacy of Justice, and so welcome your contribution.

Please forward the money to our Fortress of Depravity moonbase at your earliest convenience and be sure to include your full name and address as well as the names and addresses of all your associates so as to help us facilitate our cleaning up of loose ends when the time comes.

Thank you for keeping the dream alive.

Sincerely,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

Within the hour, I had received a follow-up email from Mr. Holme that started: “ATTN: Baron Destructo, This is to acknowledged the receipt of your email regarding your Payment…” and proceeded to offer me three payments options, two fairly convenient (direct transfer to my bank account or express delivery to my home address) and one fairly inconvenient (I could go down to their offices in Spain or Cotonou and pick it up in person). I chose the latter.

“Dear Human Scum,

Thank you for your speedy response regarding the monies earmarked for the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil and its drive toward world domination by 2010. With regard to the payment options offered, we would prefer the last. Two of our representatives, Glaxnor the Miscreant and Flamer the Flaming Man will visit your payment centers in either Spain or Cotonou to collect the winnings and deal with any potential witnesses. If possible, please arrange to be there yourself, Mr. Holme, as your presence at the prospective scene of devastation would obviate the need to track you down at a later date.

Again, thank you for keeping the dream alive.

Sincerely,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

August 22, 2007

Martin Holme wrote back, apparently unfazed by Baron Destructo’s request to swing by his offices personally to pick up that $950 000 check, and requested a copy of the Baron’s passport – for security purposes of course. Baron Destructo wrote back:

“ Dear Human Vermin,

I hope this email finds you well. Regarding your request for passport information, please stand advised that none of our members possess international passports as we do not make use of commercial airliners, preferring instead to travel via rocket boots, teleportation, hover disc, anti-gravity belt, or the League’s own shadow scram jets and death cruisers. My representatives will require neither an airport reception nor any hotel accommodations as they are under strict orders to fully decimate the entire area once they have collected the payment and then immediately return to the moonbase for a post-massacre celebration.

Please forward us your address at your earliest convenience so that we may decide how best to annihilate your offices and the surrounding areas.

As always, thank you for keeping the dream alive.

Sincerely,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

August 25, 2007

Martin Holme wrote back, clearly committed to “doing business” with Baron Destructo despite the fact that the Baron and his cohorts are super villains bent on taking over the world. Meh, who cares? So long as he gets the $200 processing fee he requested, I suppose. Yeah, about that, Baron Destructo wrote back:

“ Dearest Human Offal,

Your speedy response is much appreciated. Regarding your request for $200, the sad reality is that as a secret league of supervillains dedicated to world domination and the enslavement of humankind, we do not make use of public bank accounts or any traceable means of finance, thus any sort of wire transfer is problematic. Mailing you the cash is out of question as well as the thought of entrusting the payment to a postal service plagued by unscrupulous opportunists makes us all very uneasy. So in lieu of the $200 fee, might I suggest we temporarily loan you one of the following items:

1. Fire Gauntlets: Ideal for generating and manipulating fireballs, firewalls, and incendiary strikes. A wonderful conversation starter. And stopper.

2. . Rocket Boots: Fly around the city! Buzz news choppers! Catch the big game from the best seat in the house and then beat traffic home! A great way to check out the exosphere (note: if you do, dress warmly).

3. Chameleon Cloak: Blend in to most any background like a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie on a summer release slate.

4. Helm of Fortitude: This handy headgear guards against the deleterious mental effects of psionic assaults, attempted mind control, and summer reality television.

5. Two Tickets to see Neil Sedaka at the Mirage: Great seats, third row center, at this once in a lifetime show! Unfortunately, the tickets are part of a foursome that will have you seated beside the Dr. Catastro and the Purple Lamprey who are notorious for talking through these types of live events.

Let me know which of the five you would prefer. All we ask is that you have said item on your person when our representatives show up to collect the monies, and level your offices, so that we may conveniently reclaim it from your smoldering corpse.

Many thanks and, as always, thank you for keeping the dream alive,

Sincerely,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

Personally, I would go with the rocket boots.

August 27, 2007

This morning, I found the following sitting in my inbox:

“ATTN: Baron Destructo,

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your email regarding your Payment . We prefair option two the five options that you have been given to us wich says

Rocket Boots: Fly around the city! Buzz news choppers! Catch the big game from the best seat in the house AND then beat traffic home! A great way to check out the exosphere (note: if you do, dress warmly).

I wait for your urgent response as soon as you receive this email.”

Hmmm. Baron Destructo wrote back:

“Dearest Human Rubbish,

An excellent choice! The rocket boots will serve you well for the last two weeks of your worthless existence!

With regard to the delivery of said rocket boots, please choose from the following options:

1. If you happen to find yourself in the lunar area, feel free to drop by our Fortress of Depravity moonbase. Be sure to call ahead so that we can arrange for you to join one of the daily tours which will include: a guided walkthrough of the facilities, a ride in a shadow scram jet, a complimentary drink ticket and photo op with a super villain of your choice (subject to availability), and access to our gift shop where you may purchase exclusive League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil merchandise including t-shirts, posters, and commemorative plates.

2. If you do not foresee yourself in the area any time in the near future, might I suggest we meet at any of our following Earthen sanctums:

A. Disneyland – Anaheim, California. Our subterranean lair is conveniently located beneath the Chip ‘n Dale Treehouse attraction. Ask Goofy for details.

B. High Point, North Carolina at the site of the world’s largest chest of drawers. Our headquarters are situated in the second drawer from the top, directly above the one with the gigantic dangling socks.

C. Shibuya Love Hotel – Tokyo, Japan. Come find us in the Pantieless Pirate theme room.

D. The Bramah Tea and Coffee Museum in London, England. Visit the tea room and ask for Death Knell.

E. Restaurant La Vieille Chausettte – Paris, France. Dine or die in style at this 5 star eatery. Sample Cordon Bleu-trained Master Chef Brutus Badly’s famed foie gras-stuffed squab, profiteroles au chocolat, and electric death whip.

Let me know which works best for you.

Thank you for keeping the dream alive.

Sincerely,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

September 3, 2007

When last Baron Destructo heard from Martin, Mr. Holme sounded mighty fed up. “I think we have tried enough for you to comply over this issue!”he wrote. Well, I did a little tinkering with his response and transformed his angry reprimand to “This is to acknowledged the receipt of the rocket boots” complete with Mr. Holmes’ fancy yellow script and letterhead. Above this purported response, Baron Destructo wrote back:

“Dearest Human Refuse,

I sincerely hope you are enjoying the use of the rocket boots. But don’t have too much fun as you may end up unwilling to part with them when the times comes – ha ha ha! Although, in all seriousness, when the time comes, reluctant or not, I‘m sure we‘ll have no problem detaching them from your barbecued clodhoppers.

Speaking of barbecuing – would you be so kind as to re-confirm your address for me. I sent two of my associates to the address you provided in one of your previous emails. They decimated the building only to later discover they had unwittingly destroyed Cotonou’s only orthopedic center. Dr. Catastro and the Purple Lamprey were understandably mortified.

In any case, if you would be so kind as to forward me the correct address at your earliest convenience, it would be much appreciated.

As always, thank you for keeping the dream alive.

Sincerely,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

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