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February 13, 2008

Baron Destructo – Lady Jenny Peters

Filed under: Baron Destructo - Lady Jenny Peters — barondestructo @ 4:47 am
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November 29, 2007

I came across an email to Baron Destructo from poor Lady Jenny Peters who only has two weeks to live and is looking to bequeath her sizable fortune to, as she put it: “you/church”. Bless her heart. The Baron wrote back:

“Dearest Lady Peters,

Sad is the news that you only have two weeks to live. Even sadder, then, that your email languished in my inbox for three weeks before I happened to notice it. Sorry about that.

Hopefully, this little note finds you well and, specifically, well enough to sign over your $2.5 million dollar fortune to me. Given the fact that you narrowed your choices of possible benefactors down to either myself or the church, I applaud your decision to send the funds my way. In truth, it inevitably amounts to the same thing as our respective goals or not all that dissimilar. While the church is interested in saving souls, my associates and I are interested in freeing souls from their earthly shackles and sending them on their way to whatever afterlife awaits them be it Heaven, Valhalla, or another kick at the can as a dung beetle or morning radio host. So, you see, it all amounts to the same thing: tomato – tomahto, potato – potahto, salvation – enslavement of the entire human race on our way to world domination.

Also, at the end of the day, the church would have probably blown it all on stained glass and HBO.

Insidiously yours,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

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