February 13, 2008

Baron Destructo – Isa Salmon

Filed under: Baron Destructo - Isa Salmon — barondestructo @ 4:37 am
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September 7, 2007

I received a query from the ailing Isa Salmon, hard done by her greedy family, looking to bequeath $18 million dollars to someone willing to make the world a better place. And who better than Baron Destructo. The Baron wrote back:

“Dearest Wretch,

I share your mistrust of humanity and hope that, through our shared efforts, there may come a day when their pestilent existence will come to a brutal and irrevocable end. On that day, their tormented shrieks will serve as the elegant overture to our operatic conquest of this backwards world and then you shall have your revenge for billions will die cursing the name of Isa Salmon. Hopefully, despite your present suffering, this prospect of murder and mayhem on a mass planet-wide scale will serve to brighten your dark days. Failing that, might I suggest your check out the first season of the Dave Chapelle Show. He is a very funny guy. Funny, yet doomed – like the rest of humankind!

As I informed the previous individual who contacted me via email with a similar opportunity, the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil does not make use of vile Earthly institutions such as banks and wire services. Instead, we prefer the personal touch of a hands-on exchange and massacre. Given your present condition, I doubt a visit to our moonbase would be possible. However, if you could provide your address, I can make arrangements for one of my associates to visit you, complete our transaction, and extinguish your pitiful life.

Get back to me at your earliest convenience.

Thank you for keeping the dream alive,


Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”


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