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March 12, 2008

Baron Destructo – Charles Saludo

Filed under: Baron Destructo - Charles Saludo — barondestructo @ 2:03 pm
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March 12, 2008

The following email went out to Charles Saludo who contacted Baron Destructo about a hard-to-pass-up-on business proposal to the tune of $25.5 million dollars: 

“Dear Suitable Candidate,

Congratulations. $25.5 million dollars should just about cover your basic processing fee for consideration as a new member of The League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil. Please be sure to forward us your resumé at your earliest convenience. It should include details of your past nefarious transgressions (listed in either ascending scopal order from regional to cosmic, or descending sociopathic order from verbally abusive behavior to mass murder), any and all supra-human abilities possessed through means natural, supernatural, extra-natural, or otherwise, your hopes and dreams for a bleaker, more unnerving future (in 250 words or less), and at least two references from established individuals in the field of diabolism and general mayhem. A recent photo would also be nice.

Take note. The lack of superpowers abilities should not discourage participation in the selection process (or your making that $25.5 million dollar wire transfer to our moonbase headquarters). Occasionally, in the case of a truly exceptional and promising candidate, this requisite can be overlooked, albeit temporarily. If the individual makes the cut and is admitted to the League as a provisional member, he/she then submits to a simple procedure that will involve a run-of-the-mill total-body exsanguination after which the candidate’s blood will be bombarded by a combination of Alpha, Beta, Gamma, X, and Mongo radiation, Isotope TXRX, and fermented orange juice before being transferred back into the host body (I‘ll be honest with you. It‘ll smart a bit.). This treatment has yielded impressive results in the past with over 65% of test subjects not only surviving the ordeal with minimal horrifying side-effects, but coming away with confirmed supra-human abilities. Given the correct circumstances, your experience should prove just as spectacular, hopefully more along the lines of a Commander Brainwave or a Fission Magician rather than, say, a Professor Gorilla Toes or a Princess Chap Lip.

Once your candidacy has been vetted and voted upon by our standing council, you will be contacted by us in the form of either an official couriered document welcoming you to the guild as a provisional member, or a well-timed hit that will remove any trace of your pathetic existence and your tenuous link to our organization. Provisional membership includes a swearing-in ceremony and initiation (involving a blood sacrifice, a baptism in the Fires of Lumos, and a half-can of Fanta), full access to the moonbase headquarters facilities (no horseplay in the pool area!), and a completely fab makeover compliments of the League’s very own Evil Eye for the Straight Guy (or Gal – or Other, as the case may be) team.

Once the probationary period has passed and the candidate has proven him or herself a coincidentally dependable and deplorable member in good standing, they will be granted full membership. Full members will be permitted a nation of their own choosing for the Post-Day of Reckoning Festivities (admittedly, all of the really good ones have already been taken, but there are still some underrated little gems up for grabs including Tuvalu, Liechtenstein, and Kyrgyzstan) as well as a say in the League’s annual group vacation destination. Given that we spend so much time in our moonbase headquarters, we’re looking to go somewhere sunny and hot this year. With an oxygenated atmosphere. We were thinking either Hawaii or Ventarex Prime. We would prefer Hawaii as it’s a shorter trip (an hour by scramjet as opposed to a day and a half at FTL travel), but are having trouble securing a group rate because the only time our schedules line-up is during the high season. Would you happen to have any connections at the Halekulani? If so, that would be a tremendous help to us and could certainly bode well for your candidacy. If not, no big deal. Vorzik the Planet Squisher has family in the Soldarri Sector. We could always stay with them.

Well, best of luck to you. Stay positive but be warned… The admissions process can be very competitive. Even some of the most propitious of pernicious, vile, and indecent aspirants have failed to make the recent cuts – Michael Vick, Sharon Stone, and Barney the Dinosaur among them!

Looking forward to receiving your application and cashing your check,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

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