February 13, 2008

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle – Michael Ansah

July 5, 2007

Well, it’s been days since I last heard from my Nigerian pen pal Ali. I fear that he has left this cruel, cruel world for a far better place – or, at the very least, a more gullible and less loquacious patsy. And it was while I was mourning the loss of dear old Ali (Sure he may have been trying to scam me for my banking information, but he did provide us with days of entertaining reading), that I received yet another highly suspicious yet delightfully inelegant business proposal.

The email, titled “PLEASE HELP ME AND MY MUM” was from a Michael Ansah, address unknown, who, like Ali, has had life (and, coincidentally, the Nigerian oil business) deal him a rough hand: father poisoned by business associate, discovery of hidden banking information, $14.8 million in trust, red tape, need foreign partner, cut me in for 30%, living with an old lady named Mrs. Caroline Kwesi who works as a gardener. Them’s the short, sad strokes. And so, touched by his tale of woe and in response to his request for my mobile number, I wrote back:

“Dear Michael,

Talk about perfect timing! My business partner and I are in the process of getting to work on a project specifically tailored to meet the needs of individuals like you. Ali is a cautious fellow as he has been burned by fate and Nigerian militants alike, but he has enormous wealth in search of a good cause. He may be reluctant to get involved at first, but he has a big heart and all he needs is some gentle but sustained encouragement. Don’t take no for answer and you will be richly rewarded. I know I was. Feel free to contact him, Al Abbas, at…(and I included the mobile number Ali sent me in one of his later emails).

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”


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