February 13, 2008

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle – Jain Haggis

Filed under: Aloysius P. Hazzencockle - Jain Haggis — barondestructo @ 3:38 am
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August 12, 2007

I received an email from a Mr. Jain Haggis who is – stop me if this sounds familiar – on his deathbed and looking to bequeath a sizable sum ($8 million dollars to be precise) to a worthy individual willing to put the money to good use (ie – in Mr. Haggis’s words “distributing the money to Hurricane Katrina victims in USA ,Charity organisations,and motherless babies homes”). Well as it so happens, my alter ego Aloysius P. Hazzencockle is in the process of helping another dying philanthropist’s dream come true, so he was more than happy to respond:

“Dearest Mr. Haggis,

I was overjoyed to read your email and your desire to bequeath me $8 million dollars, yet very saddened to hear about your terrible sickness and your oddly feminine first name. Speaking of motherless babies homes, I am, coincidentally, in the process of building an orphanage with another dying (or possibly already dead) benefactor and could use the extra infusion of cash to help defray the costs of the wave pool and jai lai court I am thinking of adding to the grounds. (Incidentally, do you have occasion to play much jai lai in the hospital where you are wasting away or has your condition reached that state of decrepitude that precludes your participating in athletics? If you have, then I’m sure you can attest to what a sensationally revelatory, truly cathartic, and life-affirming experience the sport can be. If you haven’t, then, enh, you’re not missing much.). The orphanage itself – really more a castle as, at the initial planning stage, it became apparent to me that I couldn’t possibly spend all that money on a simple orphanage and certainly not one in the middle of nowhere like Africa which, last I heard, hardly cracks the top ten list of most popular tourist destinations – is almost complete and I would be happy to honor any last requests to have your ashes sprinkled over the property. Preferably, this should happen before the end of September as that is when the first bunch of itinerant urchins arrive and I would rather not upset them with the sight of your cremated remains dusting their soccer field. No pressure but, ideally, if you could find a way to die within the next three weeks, then we could make the proper arrangements to have you incinerated and distributed in a timely manner. Should you find this in any way problematic, I’d like to point out that, technically, you don’t have to be dead to be cremated.

Anyhoo, looking forward to that check –


Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”


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