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March 13, 2008

Aloysius P Hazzencockle – Hajia Mariam

Filed under: Aloysius P. Hazzencockle - Hajia Mariam — barondestructo @ 3:58 pm
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March 13, 2008 

One of my alternate yahoo accounts received an email from a Hajia Mariam, the widow of a Nigerian General, who was looking to for help in accessing the $12.6 million dollars her husband had left behind. Well, this was just the kind of offer Aloysius P. Hazzencockle was waiting for…

“Dear Hajia,

You have perfect timing! Due to some mysterious delays and unforeseen complications, I’ve been unable to access monies owed from my various lucrative side projects (my Irish Lottery winnings, my U.K. National Lottery winnings, my Ocean Blu Lottery winnings, my cut of a cash transfer from a bank in Burkina Faso, my cut of another cash transfer from another bank in Burkina Faso, my cut of a different cash transfer from a different bank – also in Burkina Faso, my Lottery Board winnings, my inheritances from several dying individuals who contacted me via the internet in their final days, my British National Lottery winnings, and, of course, the handsome sum I’ve been promised for helping a deposed Nigerian Prince relocate to Scottsbluff, Nebraska) and, in the interim, have fallen behind on my payments on the Orphan Castle/Cheap Labor Factory I operate. For the children of course. The money you are offering would go a long way toward ensuring the little tykes continue to have a roof over their heads, considerably less balsa wood shavings in their meatloaf supreme, and actual working respirators for those pesky asbestos clean-ups. It would also, incidentally, help me afford the onyx and pearl-inlaid gold-trimmed backgammon set I’ve been eyeing, as well as that new 2009 Ford Excessive (seats 12 and comes with a picnic table and a hibachi grill in the back!).

Get back to me!

Sincerely,

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”

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