February 13, 2008

Agent Wexler – Robert Mueller

Filed under: Agent Wexler - Robert Mueller — barondestructo @ 5:05 am
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January 16, 2007

I received a spam email today. What set this one apart from all the others is that this one presumably came from FBI Director Robert Mueller. And it was unwittingly sent to my dummy FBI Agent Wexler yahoo account! What are the chances? It was one of your run-of-the-mill “we’re holding an enormous sum of money for you and just require proof of identification to free up the funds” phishing attempt with a Federal Bureau of Investigation spin. Not particularly inspired but inspiring nevertheless. I wrote back:

Hey Robert,

Thanks for bringing this to my attention. At first, I wasn’t sure why you felt the need to email me this information as opposed to simply walking down the hall and telling me personally. After all, I not only consider you a close pal and co-worker here at the FBI offices in Washington, D.C., but a facebook friend and exceptional dance partner. However, it was only after I gave your missive closer scrutiny that I realized something wasn‘t quite right.

An uninitiated observer would dismiss your email as the work of a fifth-grader, or a recent stroke victim, or even an imbecilic online scammer stupid enough to send his phishing attempt to an actual FBI agent, but my training allowed me to see through the seemingly laughable spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and unwieldy sentences for what they really are: part of a coded message meant for my eyes only. I immediately set to work, deciphering the text’s hidden meaning –

“Anti-Terrorist and Monitary Crimes Division.” Would you be dimwitted enough to misspell “monetary“? Of course not. So what are you really saying here? Well, perhaps Monitary = Monitor! Someone is monitoring your communications! Rather than risk tipping them off by coming to see me personally, you have sent me this email instead. Gotcha.

“Six Million U.S Dollars has been transferred to an account here in United State Of America” United State? Brilliance masquerading as sloppiness or utter stupidity! You are directing me toward a specific state. But which one?

“That is why we have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because the above mentioned amount is a big amount of money, that is why we want to make sure is a legal money you are about to receive to verified that you are not involved with any money laundry” – The fact that this is a run-on sentence that ends with the term “money laundry” as opposed to “money laundering” tells me that you’re suggesting someone should be on the run (or is on the run) and head(ed) to Texas (which we all know is the state where the first Laundromat opened in 1934. Fort Worth to be exact).

“the fund have hit an account in U.S Bank” – Hit? The apparent inability to structure a simple sentence belies another meaning cleverly hidden. A hit! Some sort of assassination attempt! The pieces are falling into place.

“right now we have ask not to release the fund to anybody” – The missing word is “you” as in “we have to ask YOU not to release” which tells me not that you’re a halfwit, but that I am the target of this mystery hit. Oh, Robert, thank you for warning me!

“We have asked for the above documents to make available..” You use the word “make” rather than “made”, present tense rather than past tense, suggesting not that you’re an idiot who can’t even be bothered to proofread his email, but that time is of the essence!

“So to this regards you are to reassure and proof to us…” Genius! This one demonstrates such exceptional incompetence that, at first glance, one might assume it was written by a monkey hitting random keys on a laptop. But what you’re actually telling me here is that my contact in Fort Worth will be disguised as a primate – an intelligence agent disguised as an unintelligent animal just like your seemingly unintelligible ramblings conceal highly sensitive intelligence. Layers up on layers!

Finally, the last sentence “If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive.” reads like it was written by someone who has suffered serious brain damage.  A suggestion of an infirmity brought about on by an accident?   Like…a limp perhaps?!

I think I’ve got it! I’m headed to the Forth Worth Texas zoo where I will lay low and be contacted by a primate with a limp who will give me further instructions.

In the meantime, I’ve forwarded your email address to Interpol and the CIA who have already been alerted and are commencing their own investigation into the matter.

I’ll see you when this whole thing blows over. Until then, save me the first dance.


Agent Wexler


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