February 13, 2008

Agent Wexler – Mr. Collins Smith

Filed under: Agent Wexler - Mr. Collins Smith — barondestructo @ 5:02 am
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September 6, 2007

This one went out to Mr. Collins Smith. He had contacted my alias, Margaret Quibble, with regard to a $500 000 payday only to end up a hapless volunteer in an F.B.I. sting to rescue Ms. Quibble’s kidnapped husband Melvin. Despite Mr. Smith’s amusingly emphatic insistence that he could only deal with Margaret Quibble directly on this sensitive matter (“i will not involve with the kidnappers!”), field agent Wexler would not be denied:

“Dear Mr. Smith,

It was only on my second reading of your email that I realized I wasn’t dealing with an idiot but a very shrewd individual masquerading as an idiot. Your decision to pepper your message with grammatical errors and awkward phrasing was truly brilliant and I applaud your attention to detail and obvious commitment to thoroughly immersing yourself in your undercover role.

Ms. Quibble was contacted by the kidnappers this morning. The exchange will take place tonight, at 8:30 p.m. sharp, in the old abandoned wicker chair factory. So as to ensure you are not mistakenly gunned down in any unforeseen exchange of gunfire, it is imperative you wear the following outfit to distinguish yourself from the kidnappers:

1. Jeans – red, as tight as possible.
2. Woman’s belt with pronounced steer head buckle
3. Red sweater vest (a.k.a. shvest) – hands and arms must remain bare.
4. Oversized gardening hat with huge honking sunflower on top.
5. Monocle.

When all parties have gathered, Ms. Quibble will begin by handing you your $500 processing fee. You will then subtly signal my men by tapping your right foot three times, bending down and touching your toes, and then jumping up and shouting “Chimichanga!”. Be precise in the execution of this maneuver but, again, be very subtle as we do not wish to arouse anyone’s suspicions. Then, hand the kidnappers the $500 000 in cash with your left hand, using your right hand to slap the top of your head three times and then rub your belly in a counter-clockwise motion twice. (Again, be subtle! These kidnappers are very dangerous men!) Once they have the $500 000, they will give you Melvin Quibble’s ear along with an I.O.U. for the rest of him and a coupon for 15% off your next visit to Starchy’s Dry Cleaning. Check the back to make sure the coupon is not expired, then thank everyone for coming and suggest you all do this again sometime. With the transaction concluded and for your own safety, we will require you to get down on your belly and quickly crawl to the nearest exit singing the lyrics to Welcome Back Kotter as loudly as possible. If you do not know the words to this old t.v. show, please familiarize yourself with them. Stand advised: IT MUST BE WELCOME BACK KOTTER! THE LYRICS TO CHICO AND THEM MAN ARE NOT AN ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVE! YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON THIS!

Well, that’s it. Good luck and have fun with it. See you tonight!


Agent Wexler
Federal Bureau of Investigation


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