October 21, 2008

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle – Ms. Gift and Danel Mellitus

October 21, 2008

Yet another memorable email solicitation found its way into my inbox the other day, this one supposedly sent by two orphans named Ms. Gift and Danel Mellitus (I shit you not) who are in desperate need of assistance. Well, given that they are orphans, I can’t think of anyone more suited to help them than Aloysius P. Hazzencockle, a guy who built his very own orphanage/castle/sneaker sweatshop to honor the last wishes of a benevolent dying spammer.  Aloysius responded to their heartbreaking entreaty:

“Hello Friends,

Your luck is about to change because you‘ve contacted the right person! Through my work here at the ALI IN THE FAMILY – HOME FOR ORPHANS AND ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE, I have ensured that orphans such as yourselves grow up in a charming Dickensian milieu complete with oakum-picking, gruel, and our very own lovable Fagin who is, in actuality, a cranky Slavic groundskeeper with trowel for a hand. With regard to your heartfelt plea –

“Are You’ A Trustworthy Person?”

Am I trustworthy? Am I TRUSTWORTHY?! TRUSTWORTHY?!! ME?!!! TRUSTWORTHY?!! I hope this answers your question.

“ My Greetings To You and your family in the name of God,though its a sad and long story but we will cut it short…”

By going on for another three paragraphs? Crap. Good thing I got the condensed version. Ha ha! Just kidding. P.S. Your story is very heartbreaking.

“My Father […] ran an orphanage, had a footbridge and soccer stadium built in the slum where he grew up…”

Hey, small world. I run an orphanage, play bridge, and grew up in a soccer stadium on account of my father’s passion for the game and the fact that they never checked under the seats after the matches ended. Every night, we used to open up the concession stands and make corn dogs and onion rings for dinner. Do they have corn dogs in Kenya? If they do and you haven’t tried one yet, I strongly urge you to pick one up. They’re quick and delicious! My old man loved them and ate one every day of his life until he passed away at the ripe old age of 36.

…and sponsored teenage mothers to go to college.”

I do something very similar except that in my case instead of sponsoring them to go to college I buy them expensive dinners. Oh, and instead of teenage mothers, they’re high-priced call girls.

“ Our Regretably,father was killed On Tuesday morning 29th of January 2008 by the political assassination rebels during Election here in KENYA , As he was going out from our official residence and they dragged him out from his car and shot him and he was rush to hospital where he spend some hours before he died, Is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously but GOD knows the truth.”

Hmmm. I think I might know the truth regarding his mysterious passing. I’m guessing…he was dragged out of his car and shot. But I’m no detective.

“Before his death in the hospital he secretly tell I and my brother to rush home that there some documents that he kept in the house that we should take the papers and move out quickly form KENYA, down to Abidjan COTE D’IVORIE for my life’ that he Deposited the sum of ($7. 5 Million)…”

Damn. What is it with successful Kenyan businessmen who are killed by their unscrupulous relatives yet nevertheless manage to secret away millions of dollars in Cote D’Ivoire bank accounts only to end up entrusting a financial institution that makes it incredibly difficult for their heirs to access the cash? Believe or not, this is the fifth email I’ve received where the exact same thing happened. I would suggest one of two things: Either invest your money somewhere safer where the bankers are more dependable like, say, Burkina Faso or Nigeria, or don’t go into business in Kenya. Working at your local fast food outlet may not prove as lucrative, but I can honestly say that I’ve never received an email from a hard-done-by heir to the Manager of a Malawi Chuck E. Cheese.

“I and my brother have managed to escape from KENYA and we are right now in Cote d’Ivoire. […]. We are hiding in the United Nation Refugee Camp of this Country for security purposes pending when you reply back our letter and then we will know your readiness and if you can be able to come down here to see the BANK for the transfer and for your assistance 35% of the total profit made daily or per anum will be for your assistance and we will map out 10% for any expenses you may make during the transfer of the money while the remaining money will be paid to a new separete account open on my brother name in your country.”

Got it. The UN Refugee Camp in Cote D’Ivoire. I’m on my way. Do you need me to pick up something at the airport duty-free shop? Some cigars or a special fragrance for the little lady? Let me know.

Also, does the UN Refugee Camp your staying in validate parking? I’ll need to know.


Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”

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