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July 13, 2008

Baron Destructo – Mrs. Estella Edwin and son Joel

July 13, 2008

Hey, Baron Destructo received an email the other day from Mrs. Estella Edwin and her son Joel who are looking to invest $12.8 million dollars. Says Estella:

I will like to invest part of the money into these three investment in your Country but, if there is any other business that is better than what I am suggestion, I will be very glad to follow your advice.
Real estate
transport industry
School.”

Any other business that is better than real estate, transport industry, and school? Hell, yeah! Baron Destructo wrote back:

Dearest human scum and son,

Judging from your suggested speculative ventures, it is safe to assume that you are either incredibly ill-informed on recent global developments or you possess the financial acumen of dry kindling. Whichever the case (and judging from your email, I suspect it is the latter) fear not! We at The League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil are perfectly positioned to help meet the needs of clients such as yourselves. Clients who may not necessarily know the difference between equity and bond funds. Clients who do not necessarily have the know-how to invest in an increasingly volatile market. Clients who possess the grammatical skills of a trained pirate monkey (note: one trained for pillaging over correspondence). All we require of you is your good faith, your willingness to dream, and your 12.8 million dollars.

I would like to get started by informing you of a few of the exclusive investment opportunities open to you through our partnership. Please review and then get back to me once you’ve decided which of the following you‘d like to go with:

1) Sea of Tranquility Condominium Timeshares: Here is your chance to co-own a deluxe moon condo complete with central heating, 24 hour concierge service, and state-of-the-art force shield/artificial gravity/life-support generator guaranteed for 10 full years or until your death, whichever comes first (they usually happen at about the same time). A great place to get away from it all, particularly if by “it all” you mean Earth justice. I would be remiss if I failed to mention that the much sought-after west wing units offer an unobstructed view into whathisname’s Fortress of Bitter Loneliness. A once in a lifetime opportunity. Contact agent: Glaxnor the Miscreant

2) JingJang Juice: Deep in the heart of Edmonton’s famed rain forest basin grows the exotic JingJang berry, considered by many who desperately want to believe it to be one of the greatest superfoods in the history of the known universe. Chock full of xanthones, polysaccharides, and trace ammonia, its undocumented health benefits include increased energy, mental alertness, improved hand-eye coordination, intermittent flying ability, regeneration of lost limbs, stress reduction, bowel regularity, enhanced rapping skills, less stuttering, more stamina, an aptitude for foreign karaoke, better quality sleep, sporadic invisibility, sporadic cancer remission, sporadic communion with the restless spirits of The Little Rascals, increased strength, impervious cuticles, shinier eyeballs, firmer gripping, random telepathy, faster drying hair, denser eyelids, fluenter German, brighter foot soles, improved mood, more dynamic scissor kicks, increased fluidity, better sense of humor, more discernible murmuring, improved ability to recognize actors from old t.v. shows, smoother earlobes, slimmer ankles, frothier espressos, blacker blacks, whiter whites, greener blues, firmer quads, sharper hearing, stretchier ligaments, and limited telekinesis. With a little time and a lot of money, you too can join the winning JingJang Juice team. A once in a lifetime opportunity (provided you didn’t go with the moon condos). Contact agent: Glaxnor the Miscreant.

3) Co-own a Professional Sports Franchise: Plans are underway to relocate the Milwaukee Brewers from Miller Park to the new League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil and Microsoft and Taco Bell Inter-Galactic CosmoDome on Mars. Here is your chance to get in on the ground floor (a.k.a. the bottom) by investing in a storied sports franchise. Purchase your piece of the dream and then can cast your ballot on the new team name, choosing from among the following: The Mars Death Stars, The Red Giants, The Great Galactic Ghouls, The Martian Marvins, The Rust Craters, The Mysterions, The Rainbow Warriors. This is an opportunity that comes around once, maybe twice, on rare occasions three even four times…okay, at most five times in a lifetime, so don’t hold your breath waiting for the L.A. Clippers rumored move to Uranus. Act now!

4) Sponsor Princess Arcana’s son Rudy in his Bike-athon for a chance to win nifty door prizes. Contact: Princess Arcana, Glaxnor the Miscreant, or St. Banacek’s School for Wayward Mutants.

5) L.A.M.E. Productions: This is a once in a lifetime opportunity (assuming you didn’t purchase a moon condo or get involved in the JingJang Juice venture) to be a part of show business history. League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil Productions is presently seeking capital for its first feature-length motion picture, Lament of the Sad Clown, from a screenplay by Glaxnor the Miscreant based on his novel of the same name. Your investment gets you double desserts from the catering truck, an invitation to the wrap party, and half price tickets to the premiere. Invest before month’s end and you will also receive a producer credit of your choice (Take your pick. They are all pretty much interchangeable.), putting you in the exclusive company of only twenty-two other producers on this project.

Please review and get back to me your earliest convenience.

Contemptuously yours,

Executive Producer Baron Destructo

Cc: Executive Producer Calamitous Jane, Executive Producer Glaxnor the Miscreant, Co-Executive Producer Sinderella Washington, Co-Executive Producer Xxxaptak’qul, Co-Executive Producer Dr. Catastro, Supervising Producer Dr. Disastro, Supervising Producer Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Producer Ray Mephistopheles, Producer Archfiend Animus, Producer Brutus Badly, Producers the Plague Zombies, Co-Producer Vorzik the Planet Squisher, Co-Producer the Malevolater, Co-Producer Count Sinister, Co-Producer Kugal Baruth, Associate Producer Death Knell, Associate Producer Star Father Celestio, Associate Producer Shatterdam, Assisstant Producer Princess Arcana, Adherent Producer the Mystifier, Satellite Producer the Procrastinator, Votary Producer the Soul Emancipator, Consulting Producer Quickstrike, Immaterial Producer Professor Frosty, Negligible Producer Flamer the Flaming Man, Inconsequential Producer the Pummeler, Inutile Producer the Purple Lamprey, and Line Producer John Tesh.

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1 Comment »

  1. Why don’t they reply anymore? **pout** They’ve ruined all of our fun 😦

    Comment by Narelle from Aus — September 2, 2008 @ 10:17 pm | Reply


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