Spambait

February 14, 2008

Introduction

Filed under: Introduction — barondestructo @ 9:16 pm
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Whether it’s The British Lottery Corporation congratulating you on your big win, or the cousin of deposed Prince Mogolobowi of Nigeria exhorting you to help yourself to his formidable fortune, spam, like color-superconducting quark matter, comes in many varieties. Some are darn tempting – “Apple MacBook Pro Laptop at no cost to you!”. Others, not so much so – “Gracefully Hernia”. Still others leave you questioning the enthusiasm of the senders – “re: maffic – legiblit“. Gone are the days of “Got your message! Check inside!” and “Important! Virus warning!”. Instead, we’re now besieged by half-assed solicitations like: “modifier teat”, “craggy power”, and “THE WIND ADVISORY FOR EARLY THIS MORNING HAS EXPIRED!”. It’s as if these people have just stopped caring. Seriously. Moorthi 119’s email regarding “righteous polar bear” is about as enticing as, say, Serena C. Barnett’s “is ghost!” or Osmund Crawford‘s “to breathing“. And while Milford Cleveland’s email announcement that “66% of members got laid” certainly sounds impressive, Rocco Rojas’s later email titled: “73% members got laid” leads me to wonder whether it might be prudent to hold off as they continue refining the process. Nevertheless, I must admit that “Skinny-dipping preparedness” gave me pause. After all, I can’t imagine anything worse than being ill-prepared for such an occasion. And Wenzel Hodes’s email: “Condoleeza Rice has kicked German Chancellor…” did pique my curiosity. But not enough to open it. Ultimately, I figured that if Condi did kick the German Chancellor, he’d probably done something to deserve it.

Fifth Third Bank request to “confirm your online status“ left me wondering exactly how many Third Banks are out there. And surely I could do better than fifth! Chadwick Gagnon’s succinct query, “B.S.”, felt more uninspired than refreshingly honest, while Lindsay Lazarus’s “Solid New Homes Made Simple” held no real pull for a guy who can’t even be bothered to assemble a shelving unit, much less an entire dwelling. If I knew for a fact that my present employer would honor it, I might be inclined to take Nathan Flert up on his “A Day In Bed Coupon“ and I don’t know who Barb Franzoni is but I sincerely hope she gets help for her “zymosi”. Maybe some sort of topical cream? Finally, there‘s the email I discovered in my inbox just the other day: “Increase Your Penis Size 12”. 12?!! I’m assuming that refers to the edition number. But just in case, I’m moving this one out of my spam folder and into my inbox.

So what to do with all of these unsolicited emails? Well, you could ignore them (recommended). You could give them the benefit of the doubt and check out their claims (not recommended). Or, you could do what I do: Write them back, expressing a seeming interest in whatever they happen to be shilling, and see how long you can string them along.

Over time, my ongoing correspondences with these online scammers has produced some truly memorable missives, not to mention an ever-expanding roster of pseudonymous responders among them arch supervillain Baron Destructo, pragmatic opportunist Aloysius P. Hazzencockle, and Sesame Street’s very own Cookie Monster. But the challenge of unearthing these entertaining back-and-forths buried within the 450+ posts of my other blog has proven daunting for some. And so, to save you all the trouble, I’ve finally managed to gather them all here on this site, categorized by colorful correspondent for easy access, and dedicated to all of the other scam baiters out there.

Speaking of which – yeah, my first choice for this site was scambait but it was taken. So spambait it is! In the words of Cookie Monster – “Iz still good.”

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11 Comments »

  1. well done joe! im looking forward to updates:-)

    Comment by gravity — February 15, 2008 @ 3:01 am | Reply

  2. Too much time on your hands? When will Mrs M return?

    🙂

    Comment by susanthetartanturtle — February 15, 2008 @ 3:43 am | Reply

  3. This is going to be sooo much fun to read!

    Comment by Annie from Fremantle — February 15, 2008 @ 4:53 am | Reply

  4. I now have two must read blogs from Joe 🙂

    Comment by Jimbo — February 15, 2008 @ 12:06 pm | Reply

  5. I’m already laughing myself stuporous, and that’s just from reading the introduction. – I really, really wish I could hire the Baron to finish up the master’s thesis I’m supposed to be ghostwriting at this very moment. It’ll get done as scheduled; but if I have to put my brain back on the rack for a project which, frankly, no one cares much about, I’m entitled to get myself into a pleasant mood first. So, I came here looking for a good time; and by jove, I think I’ve found it! Thanks again for taking the time to put this collection together.

    Comment by anon, good nurse — February 15, 2008 @ 12:48 pm | Reply

  6. What a brilliant idea.
    Wouldn’t it make more sense to categorize by each character, rather than have every individual post as a different category?

    Comment by snukes — February 15, 2008 @ 2:56 pm | Reply

  7. “Scumbait” would have worked as well :p

    Comment by Eq4bits — February 15, 2008 @ 3:04 pm | Reply

  8. Thanks for all of this, Joe! I was away (both from home and the computer) for alot of time this summer, so I can catch up on the spam! I loved going back through the whole Cookie Monster and James Williams, can’t wait to read more

    Comment by grapesofwraith — February 16, 2008 @ 10:35 am | Reply

  9. I’m always asked if I spend much time on the computer outside of business hours. I was always so pleased that I could say “No, there is just one blog I’m addicted to that I have to read”. Damn! Now there’s two.
    Enjoy the extracurricular activities!

    Comment by narellefromaus — February 17, 2008 @ 12:31 pm | Reply

  10. You, sir, are a genius! I larfed and larfed.

    Comment by Theology Jen — February 18, 2008 @ 1:53 am | Reply

  11. Thanks for the read!

    I run one of these blogs, too, with a character I made up just for the purpose.

    Comment by Adrienne — March 4, 2008 @ 9:29 am | Reply


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