February 13, 2008

Melvin’s Kidnappers – The Queen Elizabeth International Poverty Alleviation Grant Scheme

October 28, 2007

My account received the following email:

“We are please to inform you of the announcement today of the QUEEN ELIZABETH International Poverty Alleviation Grant Scheme held on 26th October 2007. this Grant is given out to selected individuals around the world to help them actualise their dreams and also make the world a better place for all….”

How cool is that. Elated, Mr. Kidnapper wrote back:

“I am thrilled beyond words to receive news that all of our hard work has finally been recognized. Ours is undoubtedly one of the world’s most storied professions and yet, for all of its rich history, the business of kidnapping is not without its challenges. To be honest, there were times when we struggled, when we considered simply giving it all up in favor of more traditional pursuits such as armed robbery, carjacking, and online fraud, but, instead, we remained committed and, in the end, persevered.

This much-deserved award would not have been possible were it not for all those who planned, ambushed, pistol-whipped, and showed immeasurable patience in striving to be the best possible kidnappers they could be. And so, I would like to take this opportunity to thank individuals like Jimmy Jones (aka Johnny James, aka Jacky Jakes, aka Lady Beatrice Rivera the third) who spent many a late night surfing the net, watching celebrity news, and browsing back-issues of Paris Match to find us the best possible targets; the Kato brothers who have always demonstrated unbridled enthusiasm in the fulfillment of their duties be it rolling a struggling socialite into her Persian rug or tossing a hysterical European ambassador out of a speeding car; Roderick “No Nose” Carpaccio whose skills as a getaway driver are surpassed only by his talent for tap; and the lovely Isadora – my co-conspirator and partner in love. Special mention should also be made of the late Ricky “Ears” Montezuma who once gave this young up-and-coming kidnapper his first break in a very competitive field. And, of course, the many, many, many victims who made it all possible.

We anxiously await our 500 000 pounds and commemorative plaque.


Mr. Kidnapper:)”


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