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February 13, 2008

Margaret Quibble – Martin Holme

Filed under: Margaret Quibble - Martin Holme — barondestructo @ 4:25 am
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August 14, 2007

An email today informing me I’d won some obscure European lottery! Thrilled, I wrote back:

“OH. MY. GOD! I can’t believe this. I’ve never won anything in my life. Aside from that time I won at bingo but then when they checked my card they told me 35 hadn’t been called and I had to sit back down and wait for 35 which never came up because they called 17 instead and Beatrice Shankapple ended up taking home the grand prize rainbow foulard which I subsequently stole from her three weeks later during our book club meeting to discuss Yes I Can: The Sammy Davis Jr. Story. Payback’s a bitch, bitch! Anyway, this is the best thing to happen to me since my husband was kidnapped. Can you believe it’s already been twelve years? I still hear from the kidnappers now and again, nuisance phone calls or letters along the lines of “We still have him!” and “Pay up or else!” that have thankfully petered of late which is a good thing because if they’d kept at it, I just may have ignored their initial warnings and called the police. Of course there’s really no point in pursuing the matter now as I’ve already thrown out most of Melvin’s old clothes and turned his workshop into a walk-in closet. Incidentally, do you know anyone who might be interested in purchasing a slightly used belt sander and three pairs of brown, size 14 penny loafers? Let me know.

On to the more important task at hand – getting me my money. No offense, but with the proliferation of email scams, I’m a little uncertain on how to proceed. Not that I don’t trust you but a woman from my Parcheesi Society replied to a similar email and, two weeks later, discovered that she’d been made the legal guardian of a 57 year old Salvadoran fellow named Agapito who subsequently moved into her basement. When she contacted the authorities to make a formal complaint, he countered by contacting Child Services who paid the house a visit and, after interviewing Agapito, charged Ruthie with child endangerment and had her evicted. Now she lives in a cardboard box outside the local Chili’s. This isn’t to say I suspect you of any impropriety, but I just want to be sure these are, in fact, the legitimate winnings from an obcure European lottery I don’t remember entering.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon,

Margaret Quibble”

August 27, 2007

My Margaret Quibble yahoo account received a follow-up to her sad tale of domestic apathy, bingo gone awry, and a kidnapping:

“This is to acknowledged the receipt of your email regarding your Payment . We have just received your prize payment File a while ago from the lottery committe.Before i go on i will like to clarify you on this exersice…”

A thrilled Ms. Quibble wrote back:

“Dear Mr. Holme,

This money couldn’t have come at a better time. The ransom payment my husband’s kidnappers requested amounts to exactly $950 000 and, while I’m in no hurry to see Melvin back home, I am interested in questioning him about some Costa Rican beachfront property I discovered in his secretary’s name.

If you could, would you be so kind as to deal with the kidnappers directly. Please direct any further correspondence to:

Mr. Kidnapper at melvinskidnappers@yahoo.com

Thank you, Margaret Quibble.

September 2, 2007

Martin Holme contacted Margaret Quibble to stress the fact that the $950 000 he was offering couldn’t go directly toward her kidnapped husband Melvin’s ransom payment. No problem. Margaret Quibble wrote back:

“Dear Mr. Holme,

Well wouldn’t that jar your preserves! I suppose we’ll have to go the complicated route!

I’ve contacted Melvin’s kidnappers and they’ve agreed to a three-way exchange at your offices. I will pay you the transaction fee and then you will issue me the certificate while the kidnappers will present you with Melvin’s ear as a gesture of good faith. They will deliver the rest of him once I pay the ransom at which point I will need you to pretend to be the kidnappers for when the F.B.I. break down your door and “rescue” my husband. Once the real kidnappers have contacted me from their hideaway in Aruba, I will contact the proper authorities, inform them they have the wrong guy, and have you freed.

I hope this will work to everyone’s satisfaction.

Sincerely,

Margaret Quibble”

September 3, 2007

No response from Martin. Undaunted, Margaret Quibble wrote back:

“Dear Martin,

Margaret Quibble here. Again, thank you for your help in dealing with my husband’s kidnappers. I’ve informed the FBI of your intended participation and they would like to speak with you. What would be the best way for them to contact you, via email or phone?

Thank you,

Margaret Quibble”

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1 Comment »

  1. Ms. Quibble, on this night of March whatever, 2008, we come not to bury you, but to praise you. Since this is undoubtedly a great surprise, we trust that the latter activity will not lead indirectly to the former.

    Margaret Quibble is very clearly a woman worthy of our admiration, even if she does like both bingo and Parcheesi — although I’m sure she would tell me she couldn’t give a rat’s ass what I think about her taste in games, nor about any of my other opinions, for that matter, and very likely would then inform me quite graphically where I can put both my punk-ass XBox 360 and my Halo 3 game — sideways. I applaud this spunky sense of, ahh, humor. – Here, let me help you with that rainbow foulard, dear. We wouldn’t want you to mistake it for your tinned-vegetable terrine, bless your heart.

    Ms. Quibble possesses a potent combination of three – no, four – critical character traits: fortitude, aptitude, attitude, and a propensity for picking up coarse street-language from skateboarders she trips with one quick flick of her triple-footed walking cane. Well done, Maggie! We look forward to seeing your photo on the cover of Time Magazine as “Gray Panther of the Year” (alternatively, as one of Contra Costa County’s “Most Wanted,” a highly coveted title among Oakland Raider fans). You go, old girl!

    On a personal note, a …umm… friend of mine has expressed an interest in the unfortunate Melvin’s belt sander, but regrets that his wife wouldn’t let him be seen dead in the outré 80s penny loafers – unless he meets with some horrendous and inexplicable tragedy following a two-week failure to take out the trash. As you said yourself, payback’s a bitch. What inspiration!

    Finally, we’d like to present you with this Prada-inspired oxygen tank for use following your next attempt to blow out every single candle on your birthday cake (if you can see them), along with its accessorized Freddy Krueger tinderbox in case Beatrice Shankapple tries once again to snag the piece with the most frosting. Just our way of saying thanks for setting a great example for seniors everywhere. A toast to Margaret Quibble! (Now now, no spiking the Hot ‘n Wild V-8 with the after-dinner sherry, haha!)

    PS: Best regards to your editor.

    Comment by tiger's eyes — March 21, 2008 @ 10:32 pm | Reply


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