February 13, 2008

Cookie Monster – Jennifer

Filed under: Cookie Monster - Jennifer — barondestructo @ 4:13 am
Tags: ,

January 20, 2007

My Cookie Monster account received a doozy of a spam email yesterday from a hard-done-by Jennifer in Cote d’Ivoire. Cookie Monster replied with a rare point-by-point response to her heartbreaking message, appropriately titled: “WITH TEARS FROM JENNIFER”…

“- Hey, you mind if Cookie Monster use “WITH TEARS FROM JENNIFER” for title of movie script he working on? Is like Meet de Fockers but even more sad and depressing. Cookie Monster give you half price tickets to premiere.

“My name is Miss Jennifer Brown Marisa a twenty two years old looking for a trustworthy ,sincer and honest someone who can help us in this time of needs.”

– Mebbe six feet tall, handsome, and rich too? Yeeesh. Could be reason you still single because have unreazonable expectations. Take Cookie Monster advice. Lower bar. Remember, you no spring chicken anymore.

“My father is Dr Johnson Osy Marisa, a man who deal more especially on diamond and ground nut in the republic of Cote d’Ivoire.”

– How nut business going? Cookie Monster try it, but have trouble making ends meet! Hahahah! You get it? Ends meet because… No, wait. Is wrong business. Hey, you email back and say instead you have company dat manufakture like-positive magnets. Den, Cookie Monster write back – No. Scratch dat. Me remember now. Nut business? Cookie Monster try too but find very hard to crack. (Pleeze do not repeat. Joke is copyrite. Am saving for script. Same applize to magnet gag. Tanks.).

“ During the civil and political crisis in our country, my parents together with my three sister were posioned by heartless elements that called themselves his business partners after returning from a business trip in spain.”

– Oh, quick to judge. Cookie Monster once suspect business partners poizon him too. But turn out it only samonella from Ceasar salad Cookie Monster ate for lunch.

“Fortunately for me and my younger brother, we were in our school when this tragedy took place to our family.”

– Is terrible! How you take news?

“We were in coma for almost two weeks.”

– Wow. Purty bad.

“But I thank the almighty God because I never knew that I could support the shock of losing almost my whole family.”

– Errr, no offence but you do louzy job of supporting shock. You in coma for two weeks! If dat not bad, me not want to imagine worse case scenario.

“ That is by the way.”

– By de way what? Me miss something?

“Right now I am still here in Cote d’Ivoire with my only remaining brother but very unsafe for us.”

– Stick to salad nicoise and you be okay.

“We are living in great fear and bondage.”

– Cookie Monster not into de kinky stuff.

“I intend leaving this country as soon as possible but only one thing kept me back.”

– Last few episodes of Cote D’Ivoire Idol? Get neighbor to record and send you tape, but stay off LJ community or is hard to stay spoiler free. Dey ruin season finale of One Tree Hill for Cookie Monster.

“My late father has deposited with one of the prime bank the sum of money, $5.2Million USD, for onward transfer to any bank abroad”

– Dat buy a lot of cookies.

“But unfortunately he did not complete the transaction before he died.”

– So much for cookies.

“I have all the documents concerns this money in the bank and receipt of deposit with which my late father made the deposit,“

– Den you all set. Cookie Monster glad it work out for you. Keep in touch.

“we have mapped out 15% out of the total money for your help and asistance because it looks stupid for me trying to confide in a total stranger I never met before .”

– Like, for instants, you doing now.

“By instinct I am convinced you are an honest man and you have the capacity to handle this transaction with me.”

– You have not good instincts. But is okay with Cookie Monster.

“As soon as it is done, I will come over with my brother to meet you and spend the rest of our lives in your country.”

– Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dere is reason why Cookie Monster don’t have kids. Hey, me hear Madagascar nice.

“I wish to invest the money into estate business and other good business you may propose.”

– How about frozen yogurt franchize? We be partners, but only if Cookie Monster can work machine dat squeeze out yogurt look like upset-stomach squiggly poop in a cup. You add sprinkles.

“I promise to greatly compensate you for any assistance you may offer us.”

– Two hundred chocolate chip cookies. Half up front. Other half on delivery.

“I do not know how you may feel about this but I want you to take this very serious and confidential.”

– Oh, Cookie Monster very serious. And Jennifer no have to worry. Me very discreet. Very good at keeping secretz. For instants, nobody know dat Ernie and Bert nearly bankrupped, Count in rehab, and Grover room safe combination 22-47-34 – his aunt Marjorie mezurements.

“Down here, I am living in fear because enemies of my parents are hunting for us. Please let me know your mind concerning my proposal to you.”

– Yo, Cookie Monster down like clown headed into town in olive brown bridal gown. Let’s do dis ting.

Cookie Monster Out (but me really in).”


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