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February 13, 2008

Baron Destructo – Miscellaneous

Filed under: Baron Destructo - Miscellaneous — barondestructo @ 4:41 am
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September 29, 2007

I leave you with the following questionnaire that found its way into the inbox of all the scammers who dropped Baron Destructo an email over the course of this past week:

“Dear Interested Party,

You have been selected at random to receive this questionnaire as part of The League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil’s ongoing campaign toward total global conquest. The subjugation of the human race is a lofty goal and one we would be unable to aspire to were it not for the support of individuals such as yourself, so please take the time to answer the questions provided and return this email by hitting REPLY or by forwarding your responses to the following address:

BaronDestructo@yahoo.com

Respond before December 31, 2007 and you are automatically entered to win one of the following wonderful prizes: Signed League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil paraphernalia! A zombie piranha-gerbil! Meaningful input into the manner of your demise when the day of reckoning arrives! An all expense-paid trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico!

So fill out this questionnaire and let’s hear from you soon! Make your voice heard (and not just in a screaming for mercy seconds before your death kind of way)!

Question 1 – In your opinion, which of the following would your city defenses have a harder time withstanding:

a) a satellite death ray
b) a scourge of flesh-eating centipedes
c) memory-manipulating digital signals
d) an army of ill-tempered robot chimps

Question 2 – In the event that the planet came under attack by an alliance of alien and mutant forces, what words might best describe your attitude to the calamitous events:

a) angry and vengeful
b) fearful and withdrawn
c) confused and non-committal
d) curious and potentially cooperative

Question 3 – Your planetary governments have fallen and an example is to be made of the various world leaders. An appropriate punishment for daring to defy their superhuman overlords would be:

a) disintegration
b) defenestration
c) self-flagellation
d) the filling out of endless mortgage applications

Question 4 – If you were to lose your job tomorrow as a result of an unforeseen global calamity, your existing skills would be best put to use:

a) policing your respective detention quadrant in service of your new planetary masters
b) working the salt mines of a satellite intergalactic colony
c) participating in the production of various delicious and nutritious soylent green-derived foodstuffs
d) providing a mind template for an army of cyber-ferrets

Question 5 – “Given the choice, I would prefer Earth’s next ruler to be:

a) a 3000 year old dimension-tripping extra-terrestrial with twin eye-stalks in place of a head and nothing in place of a sense of humor”
b) an introverted super-genius with psychotic tendencies and an affinity for death metal and funny hats”
c) a laconic mutant with the ability to reanimate dead tissue and correctly identify any cheese on sight”
d) a physically and emotionally scarred and embittered former aristocrat with an unquenchable thirst for vengeance”

Question 6 – “I would be most docile and cooperative if I were to be incarcerated in:

a) a subterranean moon prison”
b) an orbiting penal colony”
c) a sub-aquatic deep sea penitentiary”
d) Australia”

Question 7 – “If someone close to me were to have their brain switched out with a cybernetic implant capable of controlling the host body while monitoring and recording all dissentious conversation or activity, I would probably be the least suspicious of:

a) a family member”
b) a spouse or lover”
c) a friend”
d) a household pet”

Questions 8 – A more appropriate name for Earth would be:

a) The Principality of Zontar
b) New Venus
c) Planet XR7JV55903CCC-00952-VM1
d) Chicago

Question 9 – Which of the following holidays do you observe?

a) Feast of St. Zoplak the Mysterian
b) International Psychokinesis Weekend
c) Helios 5 Quadruple Lunar New Year
d) Elemental Transmutation Day
e) Arbor Day

Question 10 – In the unlikely event we wished to hunt you down and eradicate you in our bid to clean up any loose ends prior to moving forward on the helpful information you’ve provided, where would be the best place to reach you?

a) Your home or office as you’ll be going about your daily business blissfully unaware of the gruesome fate that awaits you.
b) In hiding with friends or family in the mistaken assumption that our aerial nanite tracers won’t be able to pinpoint your exact location.
c) Under the protection of the irksome Captain Spectacular and his do-gooder Confederacy of Justice sidekicks.
d) Elsewhere: Please specify.

Thank you for your time. Your participation is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.

The League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil
Making the world a worse place for humankind

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