February 14, 2008


Filed under: Introduction — barondestructo @ 9:16 pm

Whether it’s The British Lottery Corporation congratulating you on your big win, or the cousin of deposed Prince Mogolobowi of Nigeria exhorting you to help yourself to his formidable fortune, spam, like color-superconducting quark matter, comes in many varieties. Some are darn tempting – “Apple MacBook Pro Laptop at no cost to you!”. Others, not so much so – “Gracefully Hernia”. Still others leave you questioning the enthusiasm of the senders – “re: maffic – legiblit“. Gone are the days of “Got your message! Check inside!” and “Important! Virus warning!”. Instead, we’re now besieged by half-assed solicitations like: “modifier teat”, “craggy power”, and “THE WIND ADVISORY FOR EARLY THIS MORNING HAS EXPIRED!”. It’s as if these people have just stopped caring. Seriously. Moorthi 119’s email regarding “righteous polar bear” is about as enticing as, say, Serena C. Barnett’s “is ghost!” or Osmund Crawford‘s “to breathing“. And while Milford Cleveland’s email announcement that “66% of members got laid” certainly sounds impressive, Rocco Rojas’s later email titled: “73% members got laid” leads me to wonder whether it might be prudent to hold off as they continue refining the process. Nevertheless, I must admit that “Skinny-dipping preparedness” gave me pause. After all, I can’t imagine anything worse than being ill-prepared for such an occasion. And Wenzel Hodes’s email: “Condoleeza Rice has kicked German Chancellor…” did pique my curiosity. But not enough to open it. Ultimately, I figured that if Condi did kick the German Chancellor, he’d probably done something to deserve it.

Fifth Third Bank request to “confirm your online status“ left me wondering exactly how many Third Banks are out there. And surely I could do better than fifth! Chadwick Gagnon’s succinct query, “B.S.”, felt more uninspired than refreshingly honest, while Lindsay Lazarus’s “Solid New Homes Made Simple” held no real pull for a guy who can’t even be bothered to assemble a shelving unit, much less an entire dwelling. If I knew for a fact that my present employer would honor it, I might be inclined to take Nathan Flert up on his “A Day In Bed Coupon“ and I don’t know who Barb Franzoni is but I sincerely hope she gets help for her “zymosi”. Maybe some sort of topical cream? Finally, there‘s the email I discovered in my inbox just the other day: “Increase Your Penis Size 12”. 12?!! I’m assuming that refers to the edition number. But just in case, I’m moving this one out of my spam folder and into my inbox.

So what to do with all of these unsolicited emails? Well, you could ignore them (recommended). You could give them the benefit of the doubt and check out their claims (not recommended). Or, you could do what I do: Write them back, expressing a seeming interest in whatever they happen to be shilling, and see how long you can string them along.

Over time, my ongoing correspondences with these online scammers has produced some truly memorable missives, not to mention an ever-expanding roster of pseudonymous responders among them arch supervillain Baron Destructo, pragmatic opportunist Aloysius P. Hazzencockle, and Sesame Street’s very own Cookie Monster. But the challenge of unearthing these entertaining back-and-forths buried within the 450+ posts of my other blog has proven daunting for some. And so, to save you all the trouble, I’ve finally managed to gather them all here on this site, categorized by colorful correspondent for easy access, and dedicated to all of the other scam baiters out there.

Speaking of which – yeah, my first choice for this site was scambait but it was taken. So spambait it is! In the words of Cookie Monster – “Iz still good.”

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