June 3, 2009

So the other day, a friend forwarded me an email that had found its way into his inbox, figuring it might be the sort of thing I’d find interesting. It read:

“Hello,

How are you doing?hope all is well, I”m sorry that i didn’t inform you about my traveling to England for a Seminar.I need a favour from you as soon as you receive this e-mail because i misplaced my wallet on my way to the hotel where my money is and other valuable things were kept, i will like you to assist me with a loan urgently. I will be needing the sum of 1000pounds to sort-out my hotel bills and get myself back home.I will appreciate whatever you can afford to help me with, i’ll pay you back as soon as i return.

Kindly let me know if you can be of help? so that i can send you the details.

Your reply will be greatly appreciated

Lee Ann”

Poor, poor Lee Ann. Unfortunately, I’m not really in a position to provide much help. Fortunately, I know someone who is and forwarded him Lee Ann’s plea. He wrote back:

“Hello Dere,

Cookie Monster not remember where know Lee Ann from. Me tinks it at Grover barBQ last summer but not sure becuz meet lot of prostitoots dat night. Which one you? Eiffel Tower, Reverse Cowgirl, Portugese Breakfast, Hot Buttered Popcorn (Trademark Grover, All Rights Reserved), Romanian Salt Shaker (Trademark Grover, All Rights Reserved), Ricky-Ticky-Turn-Table, Agitated U-Boat Commander Wit Twist of Lime (Trademark Grover, All Rights Reserve), or Peruvian Teeter-Totter? Cookie Monster no can remember.

Me can send money, but maybe better if drive down and give you lift instead. Cookie Monster could use vacation. Where you at? Iz hot? You recommend flipflops and shavedown? Let monster know.

Love,

Cookie Monster”

Cookie anxiously awaits her response.

January 20, 2009

Like most of you, I receive my fair share of spam emails. Unlike most of you, I often try to make it a point to write back. After all, who wants to miss out on the opportunity to inherit tens of millions of dollars from the estate of Nigerian prince or collect a staggering $50 million USD in the Spanish Lotto? I don’t and neither do my various online personas: the opportunistic Aloysius P. Hazzencockle, the lovesick Percival H. Lintmuffin, the megalomaniac Baron Destructo, he befuddled Margaret Quibble, the lovable Cookie Monster, the all-business Melvin’s Kidnappers, and, of course, the oh-so-sarcastic Norman Shuttlecock Jr. who received a note from an African banker alerting him that he had discovered $36 million USD in a dormant account. “The account holder,”he writes, “has long since passed away (Dead) leaving no beneficiary to the account.” Then, in a proposal fraught with misspellings and grammatical errors, he proceeds outlines a plan by which I could act as a beneficiary and lay claim to this enormous sum. All he requires to get the ball rolling is my Bank Account number. The email is signed “Yours Faithfully,
FROM:Mr:Kevin William.“ What an opportunity! Norman Shuttlecock Jr. wrote back:

“Dearest From,

I consider myself blessed that a) you have chosen to approach me with this opportunity and b) your bank’s education standards are low enough to permit someone like yourself to hold a position in their employ. Your general disdain for punctuation aside, the offer sounds very intriguing. (By the way, thank you for explaining that “passed away” meant “Dead”. I’d initially assumed it was a euphemism for defecation.). But, onto business.

You write: “I am certainly sure that he is dead and nobody will come again for the claim of this money”. How “certainly sure” are you? The-sun-will-rise-tomorrow sure or There‘s-no-way-he‘s-got-the-flush-so-I‘m-going-all-in-with-pocket-aces sure? I only ask because I wish to avoid the inconvenience and general embarrassment that comes with having to reimburse embezzled funds. Also, you write “A foreigner can only claim this money with legal claims to the account”. However, in accessing the funds, we would be making an ILLEGAL declaration, thereby seemingly contradicting the terms you had initially set out. Unless, of course, the aforementioned terms are not so much set-in-stone regulations as they are mere suggestions along the lines of “Wait half an hour after you eat before going swimming”, “Best Before October 12th”, or “Harmful if Swallowed”.

Well, if you’re feeling confident then, heck, what do I have to lose (beside my money, personal data, and freedom should the authorities learn of this transaction)? I have attached my banking information as a Ferbit file. Just in case you experience trouble opening the document, I have also attached it in Gergelplax.

Looking forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Norman Shuttlecock Jr. “

The next morning, I discovered an email in my inbox that began: ““Norman Shuttlecock Jr, I received your mail, you should send the information plain text because the attachement cannot be open.” Then, to allay any fears I may have concerning the legality of the transaction, he assures me: “The security of this business is 100% guaranteed, and there will never be any question both now and in future because HERITAGE is not a crime anywhere, also, anybody, organization, foundation or even animals can INHERIT…”

Even animals? Well, then. Norman Shuttle Jr. wrote back:

“This is wonderful news! If what you say is true, that even animals can inherit this sum, I know an aardvark that could really use the money. Our local zoo has given him two months to move out of his enclosure (They renovated the place and jacked up the rent in an obvious attempt to attract more affluent residents – ie. Koalas, sharpei’s, wealthy baboons. I‘m not exactly sure how they can get away with it but, apparently, Tenants’ Rights Laws in this state do not extend to mammals. The zoo says they have received complaints from neighbors claiming my friend is up at all hours of the night but I feel this is an unfair criticism given that aardvarks are nocturnal. Also, the zoo has found him in contravention of a strata bylaw that prohibits the construction of inground pools, although my friend insists this was merely excavation work on a new burrow.). He is short on cash and in desperate need. I think he would be a perfect candidate for you as his landed immigrant status fulfills the foreign residency requirement of the transaction.

How should we proceed? Will he require a bank account as well?

Sincerely,

Norman Shuttlecock Jr.”

The following day, there was another message from Mr. William sitting in my inbox: “I am very serious with this transaction, if you are serious, send your empty account to start processing the payment.”

Egads. Fearful he had offended the poor guy, Norman Shuttlecock Jr. wrote back:

“I’m glad to hear it. I too am very serious and, more importantly, so is the aardvark. The only problem is that in order for him to acquire a bank account, he is required to provide either a driver’s license (which he doesn’t have, the result of an impaired driving conviction in ‘07) or the guarantees of TWO signatories. I can be one but, sadly, his only other friend, a pygmy marmoset, was recently put down in a case of mistaken identity involving a flea outbreak, a bowler hat, and a spiteful snow monkey. Would you be able to sign a legal affidavit confirming you have known the aardvark for at least a six months and consider him a citizen in good standing? If so, we can proceed with this transaction immediately.

Looking forward to doing business with you.

Sincerely,

Norman Shuttlecock Jr.”

Alas, Norman Shuttlecock’s inbox sat empty all day. Fearful of blowing a golden opportunity to help out an aardvark in need, he followed up:

“Hi Kevin,

Even though I didn’t hear back from you, I assume we’re still proceeding with this transaction. I informed my friend, the aardvark, about the plan to make him the beneficiary of the $36 million USD inheritance and he was understandably thrilled. He called you a heavenly slice of Angel Food Cake in a sea of Devil’s Food Cake. He also says to stop calling his sister.

As I mentioned in my last email, in order for an aardvark (or, frankly, any mammal) to open a bank account in the United States, he/she requires two guarantors to vouch for him. That said, I have drafted the following statement for you:

“To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing this letter in support of Herscheval Quentin Aardvark‘s request to open a bank account with First Infidelity. I know Herscheval through the San Bernadino Community Theater Group, where I am the technical director. We worked together on several local theater projects including H.M.S. Pinafore, Grease, and Still Fresh: The Alfonso Ribeiro Story.

In the two years I’ve known Herscheval, I have found him to be a well-grounded, trustworthy, upstanding member of society with little, if any, anger management issues and no known drinking problems to the best of my knowledge. I feel he would make an excellent client for your bank as, in addition to his strong character, he possesses significant experience in deposits and withdrawals, albeit of a non-fiduciary nature.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,

Norman Shuttlecock Jr.”

If this doesn’t pan out, I’m afraid we’re going to have to make alternate plans for Herscheval. Anybody have a place with an extra room. And very relaxed pet bylaws?

December 11, 2008

An email titled simply “THANKS” found its way into my inbox last week. Short and sweet, the message within read: “I have a new email address!” and it was signed Miss Kate William. Kate William? Do I know a Kate William? I don’t think so, but my alter-ego Percival H. Lintmuffin might. Lintmuffin wrote back:

“Dearest Kate,

Profusest of apologies but I seem to have misremembered where it was we met. My instincts tell me that it was at the StillLivingAtHomeWithMyMomCon’s Furry Meet-and-Greet-and-Orgy. I was Fleegle from the Banana Splits. I spent most of the evening at the bar, drinking peach daquiris and doing it with H.R. Pufnstuf. How about you? My guess is that you were either a womble or the pink french poodle fellating the aptly named Big Bird? Am I right?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Percival H. Lintmuffin”

It’s been so long since someone actually responded to my response to their spam mail that I didn’t even bother checking Lintmuffin’s yahoo account until this morning. And, lo and behold, dearest Kate had answered back:

“Dear Lintmuffin,

It was through the grace of god that we meet and enter into a business transaction. I am by profession from burkina faso,it’s just my urgent need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction. I have the opportunity of transfering the left over funds ($10.8million) of one of my bank clients who died along with his entire family,Hence,i am inviting you for a business deal where this money can be shared between us in the ratio of 60/30,.further details of the transfer will be forward to you…”

And she goes on to request Lintmuffin’s personal information to help seal the deal. Score! Lintmuffin wrote back:

Dearest Kate,

No, no. Now that I think of it, we didn’t meet through the grace of God but by way of an introduction from a Magilla Gorilla in leather suspenders and matching undershorts. That said, I would be delighted to assist you in your business transaction. Would it be possible to meet up at this year’s Leave-All-Your-Money-At-The-Door-And-Maybe-You-Can-Walk-Out-Of-Here-With-An-Autograph-Or-A-Commemorative-Plate-With-A-Picture-Of-The-Guy-Who-Played-Duke-Depalma-In-Team-Knight-Rider Con? I will be attending as Darwin, that lovable Bottlenose Dolphin from Seaquest. Let’s meet at the Manimal panel. I’m very excited about this one as it will bring together all of the show’s cast including the panther, snake and horse but not the hawk who, sadly, took his own life last summer.

See you there!

Sincerely,

Percival H. Lintmuffin”

October 21, 2008

Yet another memorable email solicitation found its way into my inbox the other day, this one supposedly sent by two orphans named Ms. Gift and Danel Mellitus (I shit you not) who are in desperate need of assistance. Well, given that they are orphans, I can’t think of anyone more suited to help them than Aloysius P. Hazzencockle, a guy who built his very own orphanage/castle/sneaker sweatshop to honor the last wishes of a benevolent dying spammer.  Aloysius responded to their heartbreaking entreaty:

“Hello Friends,

Your luck is about to change because you‘ve contacted the right person! Through my work here at the ALI IN THE FAMILY – HOME FOR ORPHANS AND ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE, I have ensured that orphans such as yourselves grow up in a charming Dickensian milieu complete with oakum-picking, gruel, and our very own lovable Fagin who is, in actuality, a cranky Slavic groundskeeper with trowel for a hand. With regard to your heartfelt plea -

“Are You’ A Trustworthy Person?”

Am I trustworthy? Am I TRUSTWORTHY?! TRUSTWORTHY?!! ME?!!! TRUSTWORTHY?!! I hope this answers your question.

“ My Greetings To You and your family in the name of God,though its a sad and long story but we will cut it short…”

By going on for another three paragraphs? Crap. Good thing I got the condensed version. Ha ha! Just kidding. P.S. Your story is very heartbreaking.

“My Father […] ran an orphanage, had a footbridge and soccer stadium built in the slum where he grew up…”

Hey, small world. I run an orphanage, play bridge, and grew up in a soccer stadium on account of my father’s passion for the game and the fact that they never checked under the seats after the matches ended. Every night, we used to open up the concession stands and make corn dogs and onion rings for dinner. Do they have corn dogs in Kenya? If they do and you haven’t tried one yet, I strongly urge you to pick one up. They’re quick and delicious! My old man loved them and ate one every day of his life until he passed away at the ripe old age of 36.

…and sponsored teenage mothers to go to college.”

I do something very similar except that in my case instead of sponsoring them to go to college I buy them expensive dinners. Oh, and instead of teenage mothers, they’re high-priced call girls.

“ Our Regretably,father was killed On Tuesday morning 29th of January 2008 by the political assassination rebels during Election here in KENYA , As he was going out from our official residence and they dragged him out from his car and shot him and he was rush to hospital where he spend some hours before he died, Is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously but GOD knows the truth.”

Hmmm. I think I might know the truth regarding his mysterious passing. I’m guessing…he was dragged out of his car and shot. But I’m no detective.

“Before his death in the hospital he secretly tell I and my brother to rush home that there some documents that he kept in the house that we should take the papers and move out quickly form KENYA, down to Abidjan COTE D’IVORIE for my life’ that he Deposited the sum of ($7. 5 Million)…”

Damn. What is it with successful Kenyan businessmen who are killed by their unscrupulous relatives yet nevertheless manage to secret away millions of dollars in Cote D’Ivoire bank accounts only to end up entrusting a financial institution that makes it incredibly difficult for their heirs to access the cash? Believe or not, this is the fifth email I’ve received where the exact same thing happened. I would suggest one of two things: Either invest your money somewhere safer where the bankers are more dependable like, say, Burkina Faso or Nigeria, or don’t go into business in Kenya. Working at your local fast food outlet may not prove as lucrative, but I can honestly say that I’ve never received an email from a hard-done-by heir to the Manager of a Malawi Chuck E. Cheese.

“I and my brother have managed to escape from KENYA and we are right now in Cote d’Ivoire. […]. We are hiding in the United Nation Refugee Camp of this Country for security purposes pending when you reply back our letter and then we will know your readiness and if you can be able to come down here to see the BANK for the transfer and for your assistance 35% of the total profit made daily or per anum will be for your assistance and we will map out 10% for any expenses you may make during the transfer of the money while the remaining money will be paid to a new separete account open on my brother name in your country.”

Got it. The UN Refugee Camp in Cote D’Ivoire. I’m on my way. Do you need me to pick up something at the airport duty-free shop? Some cigars or a special fragrance for the little lady? Let me know.

Also, does the UN Refugee Camp your staying in validate parking? I’ll need to know.

Sincerely,

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”

September 27, 2008

The other day, I received the following email:

“My new friend,

I am well pleased to contact you after going through your profile on my search for genuine relationship. I will like to be your good friend, please contact me.

I am waiting for your reply soon,

Rita“

Well, hot damn. I passed the message along to Baron Destructo who, coincidentally, has been playing matchmaker for a buddy of his. The Baron wrote back:

“Dearest Forlorn Human Wretch,

I am contacting you on behalf of an ally and fellow supercriminal who, not unlike yourself, has reached that point in life where he is no longer desirable to the opposite sex and thus seeks to cut his losses by settling down. In his search for a meaningful relationship, Glaxnor the Miscreant has tried various introduction services such as vdate (The Leading Villains Single Network!), eDisharmony, and RateMyRack – all to no avail. To date, he has yet to find his soulmate, that special someone with whom he can share in life’s joys: parenthood, long walks on the beach, the destruction of enemy forces. Could you be that someone?

Glaxnor is 8 foot 5, well-built, and considered not unhandsome by those who know him. Many have described him as an adorable mutant human-pitbull hybrid and a big puppy at heart. A big homicidal temperamental puppy. He is shy, kindhearted (often displaying great sensitivity in his rapid dismemberment of victims), is far from the stupidest member of our League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil (that distinction, of course, belongs to The Pummeler), and possesses of a singular sense of humor. His laugh is infectious. As are his various infections. Glaxnor’s interests include ballroom dancing, wholesale slaughter, and macramé. One day, he will make one lucky psychotic highly insecure woman a very happy wife. Could that psychotic highly insecure woman be you?

Glaxnor is for real. UB2.

Feel free to contact:

Glaxnor the Miscreant

c/o

BaronDestructo@yahoo.com

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

July 13, 2008

Hey, Baron Destructo received an email the other day from Mrs. Estella Edwin and her son Joel who are looking to invest $12.8 million dollars. Says Estella:

“I will like to invest part of the money into these three investment in your Country but, if there is any other business that is better than what I am suggestion, I will be very glad to follow your advice.
Real estate
transport industry
School.”

Any other business that is better than real estate, transport industry, and school? Hell, yeah! Baron Destructo wrote back:

Dearest human scum and son,

Judging from your suggested speculative ventures, it is safe to assume that you are either incredibly ill-informed on recent global developments or you possess the financial acumen of dry kindling. Whichever the case (and judging from your email, I suspect it is the latter) fear not! We at The League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil are perfectly positioned to help meet the needs of clients such as yourselves. Clients who may not necessarily know the difference between equity and bond funds. Clients who do not necessarily have the know-how to invest in an increasingly volatile market. Clients who possess the grammatical skills of a trained pirate monkey (note: one trained for pillaging over correspondence). All we require of you is your good faith, your willingness to dream, and your 12.8 million dollars.

I would like to get started by informing you of a few of the exclusive investment opportunities open to you through our partnership. Please review and then get back to me once you’ve decided which of the following you‘d like to go with:

1) Sea of Tranquility Condominium Timeshares: Here is your chance to co-own a deluxe moon condo complete with central heating, 24 hour concierge service, and state-of-the-art force shield/artificial gravity/life-support generator guaranteed for 10 full years or until your death, whichever comes first (they usually happen at about the same time). A great place to get away from it all, particularly if by “it all” you mean Earth justice. I would be remiss if I failed to mention that the much sought-after west wing units offer an unobstructed view into whathisname’s Fortress of Bitter Loneliness. A once in a lifetime opportunity. Contact agent: Glaxnor the Miscreant

2) JingJang Juice: Deep in the heart of Edmonton’s famed rain forest basin grows the exotic JingJang berry, considered by many who desperately want to believe it to be one of the greatest superfoods in the history of the known universe. Chock full of xanthones, polysaccharides, and trace ammonia, its undocumented health benefits include increased energy, mental alertness, improved hand-eye coordination, intermittent flying ability, regeneration of lost limbs, stress reduction, bowel regularity, enhanced rapping skills, less stuttering, more stamina, an aptitude for foreign karaoke, better quality sleep, sporadic invisibility, sporadic cancer remission, sporadic communion with the restless spirits of The Little Rascals, increased strength, impervious cuticles, shinier eyeballs, firmer gripping, random telepathy, faster drying hair, denser eyelids, fluenter German, brighter foot soles, improved mood, more dynamic scissor kicks, increased fluidity, better sense of humor, more discernible murmuring, improved ability to recognize actors from old t.v. shows, smoother earlobes, slimmer ankles, frothier espressos, blacker blacks, whiter whites, greener blues, firmer quads, sharper hearing, stretchier ligaments, and limited telekinesis. With a little time and a lot of money, you too can join the winning JingJang Juice team. A once in a lifetime opportunity (provided you didn’t go with the moon condos). Contact agent: Glaxnor the Miscreant.

3) Co-own a Professional Sports Franchise: Plans are underway to relocate the Milwaukee Brewers from Miller Park to the new League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil and Microsoft and Taco Bell Inter-Galactic CosmoDome on Mars. Here is your chance to get in on the ground floor (a.k.a. the bottom) by investing in a storied sports franchise. Purchase your piece of the dream and then can cast your ballot on the new team name, choosing from among the following: The Mars Death Stars, The Red Giants, The Great Galactic Ghouls, The Martian Marvins, The Rust Craters, The Mysterions, The Rainbow Warriors. This is an opportunity that comes around once, maybe twice, on rare occasions three even four times…okay, at most five times in a lifetime, so don’t hold your breath waiting for the L.A. Clippers rumored move to Uranus. Act now!

4) Sponsor Princess Arcana’s son Rudy in his Bike-athon for a chance to win nifty door prizes. Contact: Princess Arcana, Glaxnor the Miscreant, or St. Banacek’s School for Wayward Mutants.

5) L.A.M.E. Productions: This is a once in a lifetime opportunity (assuming you didn’t purchase a moon condo or get involved in the JingJang Juice venture) to be a part of show business history. League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil Productions is presently seeking capital for its first feature-length motion picture, Lament of the Sad Clown, from a screenplay by Glaxnor the Miscreant based on his novel of the same name. Your investment gets you double desserts from the catering truck, an invitation to the wrap party, and half price tickets to the premiere. Invest before month’s end and you will also receive a producer credit of your choice (Take your pick. They are all pretty much interchangeable.), putting you in the exclusive company of only twenty-two other producers on this project.

Please review and get back to me your earliest convenience.

Contemptuously yours,

Executive Producer Baron Destructo

Cc: Executive Producer Calamitous Jane, Executive Producer Glaxnor the Miscreant, Co-Executive Producer Sinderella Washington, Co-Executive Producer Xxxaptak’qul, Co-Executive Producer Dr. Catastro, Supervising Producer Dr. Disastro, Supervising Producer Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Producer Ray Mephistopheles, Producer Archfiend Animus, Producer Brutus Badly, Producers the Plague Zombies, Co-Producer Vorzik the Planet Squisher, Co-Producer the Malevolater, Co-Producer Count Sinister, Co-Producer Kugal Baruth, Associate Producer Death Knell, Associate Producer Star Father Celestio, Associate Producer Shatterdam, Assisstant Producer Princess Arcana, Adherent Producer the Mystifier, Satellite Producer the Procrastinator, Votary Producer the Soul Emancipator, Consulting Producer Quickstrike, Immaterial Producer Professor Frosty, Negligible Producer Flamer the Flaming Man, Inconsequential Producer the Pummeler, Inutile Producer the Purple Lamprey, and Line Producer John Tesh.

March 24, 2008

One of my yahoo accounts received an email from a Mr. Onuoha, a representative of the International Monetary Fund, who wrote to inform me that a Western Union money transfer was earmarked for the owner of my email address. Of course the IMF, demonstrating the trademark prudence that typifies their organization, left Mr. Onuoha with very strict instructions. According to Mr. O: “ They said that they choose to send it to an email address instead of a name.” Aloysius P. Hazzencockle wrote back:

“Dear Mr. Onuoha,

Given the prevalence of fraud in our modern world, I applaud the IMF’s decision to send the sum of $750 000 USD “to an email address instead of a name”. After all, in this day and age it’s all too easy to generate a false alias whereas creating a dummy email account is a far more complicated matter that would only be attempted by the most resolute and tech-savvy of swindlers. Kudos to you and your associates who, by cold-contacting me in this matter, have proven yourselves cautious and vigilant, yet naively trusting and completely negligent.

Sleep well in the knowledge that the $750 000 USD will go toward improvements on the orphanage I run – and namely the addition of twelve new murder holes and a trebuchet for the wading pool.

Anxiously awaiting my big payday,

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”

March 30, 2008

My Cookie Monster yahoo account received some bittersweet news today in the form of an email from John Max who was contacting Cookie to remind him of a recent passing. “..you were listed as a beneficiary to the total sum of £10,600,000.00GBP (Ten Million Six Hundred Thousand British Pounds) in the codicil and last testament of the deceased. (Name now withheld since this is our second letter to you).” Tragic. Cookie Monster wrote back:

“Name witheld because dis be second letter to me? WDFC?! (What de fudge cookie?!) How monster supposed to know who dead? Maybe me guess and if Monster close, you say “Warm! Warmer! You burning up!” and if way off base you say “Cold! Colder! Icy cold like corpse of dead relative!” Okay, first guess be: German cheese baron Uncle Adolph Muenster because he old and sicklier den Count after weekend bender in Tijuana. Declared dead and buried three times already but feisty old coot always find way to wake up in time and claw way out of casket. Good for him but disappointing for family who have to cancel funeral and give back presents. To avoid repeat problem, wife suggest put doorbell inside casket so if he wake up again, only have to ring for service instead of get nails dirty. But custom casket too expensive. Turn out cremation cheaper alternative! Anyhoo, so sad if true. Poor uncle Meunster. But 10 600 000 pounds help dull pain. Still, Cookie Monster need to know who move on to great chipwich factory in de sky. Want to avoid confusion like last time when me contacted as benefissary but turn out have no relation to Herman Munster. Boy, Eddie pissed!

John Max write: “We therefore reckoned that you could receive these funds…” You “reckoned“? You no own shoes and eat possum too? Heehaw! Hey, is coincidents. Cookie Monster work part time as hillbilly wedding planner. Very easy to organize because always de same guest list.

Best regards to your wife/sister.

Sincerely,

Cookie Monster”

March 20, 2008 

I was blessed with a stroke of good fortune today when my alter-ego, Margaret Quibble, received an email informing her of a big pay-out. Apparently, she won 1 000 000 euros in a lottery. And she didn’t even half to purchase a ticket to do it. As Mr. Pete Burren at the claims department explains: “No ticket were sold but it is to encourage internet users.” Fab! Margaret wrote back:

“Mr. Burren,

Mercy me, this is wonderful news. I thank you for awarding me this prize and also commend you for doing your part to help garner interest in the internet, one of the world’s most woefully overlooked and underutilized resources. I would hope that my cashing in these 1 000 000 euros will, in some small way, help steer people out of their local libraries and parks, away from their friends and families, and into the solitary comforts of a dimly lit room where they can discover the joys of surfing for hairless monkey porn and cute cat pictures.

Keeping it real,

Margaret Quibble”