December 9, 2007

I was sent a cryptic business proposal that went like this: “we are a group of business men who deal on import and export raw materials into the canada,america AND europe.We are searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium of getting to our costumers in the a Canada, America AND Europe as well as making payments through you to us.”

Baron Destructo wrote back:

“Dear Human Scum,

Your business proposal sounds positively fascinating insofar as it doesn’t really say anything about the means by which I am to facilitate the import and export of your mysterious raw materials. Nevertheless, you have an honest name, Zemin being the name of my great aunt who, while inarguably a harpy through and through, still found the time to raise two lovely daughters and one positively grotesque son that she kept chained in the attic of her summer residence until the time he broke free during Count Otto Smallberries’ bris ceremony.  And so I will place my utmost faith in you and your exceptionally cryptic offer. In fact, I see an opportunity for both of us here as I can make use of your import/export services to ship certain items I’m having a little trouble moving. Nothing of note, just your run-of-the-mill laser bifocals, fleshing-eating sentient gels, and army of robot chimps.

Let me know how you’d like to proceed,

Despisingly yours,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”